5 Subtle Signs You Might Be in a Narcissistic (or Antagonistic) Relationship

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

Most people don’t walk into therapy saying, “I think I’m in a narcissistic relationship.”

They say things like, “Something feels off,” or “I can’t quite explain it, but I don’t feel like myself anymore.”

That’s because these dynamics are rarely obvious at the start. They’re often subtle, confusing, and layered with enough good moments to keep you second guessing your own experience.

You might not have had language for it at the time. But when you start to look back, certain patterns begin to stand out.

Here are five subtle signs to pay attention to.

1. You Find Yourself Explaining Your Feelings Over and Over

You try to share how something affected you, calmly, clearly, maybe even carefully choosing your words. But instead of feeling understood, you end up having to explain yourself again. And again.

Somehow the conversation shifts. Your feelings get minimized, dismissed, or turned into something you now have to defend.

Over time, you may notice you’re not just expressing yourself, you’re building a case.

That’s often a sign that your experience isn’t being received in a way that feels safe or validating.

2. You Start Second Guessing Your Own Reality

You leave conversations wondering, “Did that really happen the way I remember it?”

Or, “Maybe I’m being too sensitive.”

Or even, "I must not be communicating properly".

When your perspective is repeatedly questioned, dismissed, or reframed, it can slowly erode your trust in your own thoughts and feelings.

Some psychologists, like Dr. Ramani Durvasula, describe these patterns as antagonistic behaviours. That includes things like chronic invalidation, defensiveness, or manipulation that make it harder for you to stay anchored in your own experience.

This isn’t about one disagreement. It’s about a pattern where your reality starts to feel less solid.

3. The “Good Moments” Keep You Holding On

There are moments where things feel genuinely good. Connected. Easy. Like the relationship you hoped it would be.

And those moments matter. They’re real.

But when they’re inconsistent, when they’re followed by distance, criticism, or tension, they can also keep you stuck.

Your nervous system starts to focus on getting back to that version of the relationship. The warm, connected version. The one that makes everything else feel worth it.

This push and pull can create a powerful attachment, even when part of you knows something isn’t right.

4. You Feel Like You’re “Too Much” or “Not Enough”

You might notice a quiet shift in how you see yourself.

You start wondering if you’re too sensitive, too emotional, too demanding. Or on the flip side, not patient enough, not understanding enough, not doing enough.

Instead of the relationship feeling like a place where you can be fully yourself, it starts to feel like something you have to constantly adjust to.

Over time, this can shrink your sense of self in ways that are hard to see while you’re in it.

5. You’re Doing Most of the Emotional Work

You’re the one reflecting, adjusting, trying to communicate better, trying to fix things, trying to keep things steady.

You might find yourself thinking, “If I can just say this the right way,” or “If I can just not react this time, maybe it will be different.”

There’s a lot of effort going into making the relationship work, but it doesn’t feel balanced.

And that can be exhausting.

This Isn’t About Labels, It’s About Patterns

You may hear the term “narcissistic relationship” used to describe these kinds of dynamics, and that language can help people begin to recognize what they’ve experienced.

At the same time, the word narcissism is used so widely now that it can sometimes pull the focus toward labeling a person instead of understanding what actually happened.

That’s why some clinicians, including Dr. Ramani Durvasula, use the term antagonistic behaviours. It keeps the attention on the patterns, things like invalidation, lack of empathy, or manipulation, and the impact those patterns have on you.

Because at the end of the day, what matters most is not what you call it.

It’s how it affected you.

If You’re Starting to See Yourself in This

If you’re reading this and recognizing pieces of your own experience, that doesn’t mean you have to immediately figure everything out or make big decisions.

Sometimes the first step is simply noticing.

Noticing what feels off.Noticing what feels draining.Noticing what you’ve been explaining away.

And gently starting to trust those signals again.

You’re not imagining it. And you’re not alone in it

Joey’s Take 🐾

If I have to keep working really hard to get someone to play nicely with me, I’m going to start wondering what’s going on.

I might try different things at first. Sit. Paw. Bring the ball back again. Maybe I just didn’t do it right.

But if it keeps feeling confusing instead of fun, I’m probably going to walk away and go find someone who actually wants to play.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC who works online with clients across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, and life transitions, and I’m certified in EMDR, a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and often a mix of talk therapy and practical tools. When I’m not in session, you’ll probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean, my favourite co-therapist.