The Challenges of Mother’s Day, When You’re the Child and It’s Complicated

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

That moment of pause, when you're deciding whether to reach out, and what it might cost you.

Mother’s Day can look simple from the outside. Cards, flowers, brunch, gratitude. There’s a clear script for how it’s supposed to go and how you’re supposed to feel.

But if you’re on the “child” side of that relationship, especially as an adult, it’s often not that simple.

This day can bring up a mix of emotions that don’t fit neatly into celebration. For some people, it’s love and appreciation. For others, it’s tension, obligation, grief, or even distance.

And for many, it’s all of those at once.

When Your Relationship Isn’t Easy

Not every relationship with a mother feels close, safe, or emotionally easy. Some are strained. Some are distant. Some are filled with unspoken history that doesn’t just disappear because it’s Mother’s Day.

You might feel a sense of obligation to reach out, to say the right thing, to show up in a way that matches the expectation of the day. At the same time, another part of you might feel guarded, resentful, or unsure.

That internal push and pull can be exhausting. It’s not just about what you do, it’s about holding two truths at once. Wanting connection and feeling hurt. Caring, and also needing distance.

When You’re Carrying Old Patterns Into the Present

Mother’s Day can also bring old roles and patterns right back to the surface. The part of you that learned to keep the peace. The part that feels responsible for someone else’s emotions. The part that automatically says yes, even when something in you hesitates.

You might notice yourself slipping into those patterns without even thinking about it. Saying yes to a visit you don’t really have the capacity for. Choosing your words carefully to avoid conflict. Managing how the day goes so it doesn’t become uncomfortable.

These aren’t random reactions. They’re learned ways of staying connected, or staying safe, in the relationship.

And they tend to show up most strongly on days that carry emotional weight.

When There’s Grief, Even If No One Talks About It

For some, Mother’s Day brings up a quieter kind of grief. Not always the kind tied to loss, but the kind connected to what wasn’t there, or what you needed and didn’t receive.

That grief can be easy to dismiss, especially when the world around you is celebrating. You might tell yourself it shouldn’t matter this much. That you should just focus on the positive.

But grief doesn’t respond well to being minimized. It tends to show up anyway, often as irritability, heaviness, or a sense that something just feels off.

The Pressure to Feel Grateful, No Matter What

There’s a strong cultural message that Mother’s Day is about gratitude. And for many people, that’s true.

But when your experience is more complicated, that expectation can feel like pressure. Pressure to highlight only the good. To overlook what’s hard. To perform a version of the relationship that feels more comfortable for others than it does for you.

It can leave you wondering, “What’s the right way to do this?” especially when the honest answer doesn’t fit the script.

Finding a Way to Move Through the Day That Feels Like You

Instead of trying to get it “right,” it can be more helpful to get honest.

What actually feels manageable for you this year?

That might mean a phone call instead of a visit. A short visit with clear boundaries. A card that feels genuine, not performative. Or, in some cases, choosing not to engage in the usual way at all.

This isn’t about being reactive or cutting people off. It’s about responding from a place that considers your capacity, your history, and your needs, not just the expectations of the day.

You’re allowed to take all of that into account.

You Don’t Have to Force the Feeling

One of the most freeing things to remember is that you don’t have to make yourself feel something that isn’t there.

You can care about your mother and still feel complicated. You can show up and still need boundaries. You can choose distance and still be a thoughtful, caring person.

There’s room for nuance here, even if the day itself doesn’t always make space for it.

Joey’s Take 🐾

That quiet moment when you're not quite sure what you're feeling yet, but you're paying attention.

Sometimes I just look at my human like this.

Not because anything is wrong.

Just… checking.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC who works online with clients across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, and life transitions, and I’m certified in EMDR, a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and often a mix of talk therapy and practical tools. When I’m not in session, you’ll probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean, my favourite co-therapist.