The Myth That Understanding Why Someone Hurt You Will Help You Heal
Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC
Have you ever found yourself spending hours trying to figure out why someone treated you the way they did? Maybe you've replayed conversations, searched for explanations online, or gone over the same events with a friend so many times that even they're starting to run out of theories.
You might have learned about gaslighting, emotional manipulation, narcissistic traits, or attachment styles. Perhaps you've even reached a point where you can explain someone's behaviour better than they could explain it themselves.
And yet, despite everything you've learned, you're still hurting.
This is something I see regularly in my counselling practice, particularly when I'm working with people recovering from relationships involving antagonistic behaviours. There's often a belief that if they can just understand why someone behaved the way they did, everything will finally make sense and they'll be able to move on.
Unfortunately, healing doesn't always work that way.
Why We Search So Hard for Answers
When someone we care about hurts us, especially in ways that feel confusing or contradictory, our brains naturally look for explanations.
We want things to make sense. We want to understand how someone who could be loving, thoughtful, and attentive one day could be dismissive, cruel, or emotionally unavailable the next.
Sometimes we're trying to reconcile two very different versions of the same person. Other times, we're wondering whether we misunderstood what happened or somehow contributed to it.
That search for answers isn't necessarily unhealthy. Understanding patterns of behaviour can be incredibly valuable, particularly when it helps someone recognize emotional manipulation, establish boundaries, or stop blaming themselves for another person's choices.
The difficulty comes when understanding becomes something we believe we must achieve before we're allowed to heal. That's when the search for answers can start keeping us stuck.
Understanding Their Behaviour Doesn't Undo Its Impact
Let's say you've spent months learning about emotionally immature or antagonistic behaviours. You've come to recognize patterns of blame-shifting, criticism, gaslighting, or emotional withdrawal in a past relationship.
You might even understand some of the experiences that contributed to the other person's behaviour.
Perhaps they grew up in an emotionally unpredictable household, struggle with vulnerability, or have difficulty tolerating feelings of shame.
All of that information might help explain aspects of their behaviour. But it doesn't change what happened to you.
You may still remember the anxiety of never knowing what mood they'd be in. You may still question your judgment after repeatedly being told your perceptions were wrong. You may still feel uncomfortable expressing your needs because doing so once led to criticism or conflict.
Knowing why someone behaved a certain way doesn't automatically change how your nervous system responds to what you experienced.
That's an important distinction, and one that often gets overlooked when people talk about closure and healing.
When Understanding Becomes Another Way of Staying Connected
Here's something else I sometimes notice.
For some people, trying to understand the person who hurt them becomes a way of maintaining a connection to that relationship, even after it has ended.
They're no longer speaking to the person, but they're still spending enormous amounts of emotional energy thinking about them.
What were they really feeling? Did they ever love me? Were they aware of what they were doing? Do they treat their new partner differently? Will they ever realize how much they hurt me?
These are understandable questions, particularly when a relationship ended without accountability or a meaningful explanation.
But sometimes the questions become a loop. Each possible answer leads to another question, and the person remains emotionally focused on someone who has already taken up a tremendous amount of space in their life.
This doesn't mean they're choosing to stay stuck. It may simply mean that part of them is still searching for a sense of safety, certainty, or resolution.
And that deserves curiosity rather than criticism.
Knowing What Happened Isn't the Same as Healing From It
One of the things I often explain to clients is that there's a difference between knowing something intellectually and feeling it emotionally.
You might understand that your former partner's behaviour wasn't your fault. You might recognize the manipulation, identify the patterns, and know that you deserved better. Yet you may still feel anxious when someone raises their voice, question yourself when someone seems disappointed, or experience a wave of shame when you remember certain conversations.
That's because painful experiences aren't always resolved simply by understanding them.
This is where EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can be particularly helpful. EMDR helps people process distressing memories that may still be connected to strong emotions, negative beliefs about themselves, and physical reactions.
For example, someone might logically know that they weren't responsible for their partner's anger, yet still carry the belief, "I can't do anything right." Through EMDR, we can work with the experiences that contributed to that belief, helping the person move toward something more accurate and compassionate, such as "I wasn't responsible for their behaviour."
The goal isn't to erase what happened or pretend it didn't matter. It's to help those experiences become less emotionally overwhelming so they no longer have the same influence over how someone feels about themselves today.
I also use Internal Family Systems (IFS) to help clients understand the different ways they've learned to protect themselves. Sometimes there's a part that constantly analyzes what happened, believing that if it can figure everything out, it can prevent future hurt. Another part may still carry grief, anger, or feelings of rejection.
IFS helps us approach those responses with curiosity rather than judgment, while EMDR can help process the painful experiences and beliefs that continue to affect us.
Both approaches recognize something important: healing isn't just about understanding what happened. It's also about changing how those experiences continue to affect you.
You May Never Get an Explanation That Satisfies You
This can be one of the hardest realities to accept.
Sometimes the person who hurt you doesn't fully understand their own behaviour. Sometimes they understand more than they're willing to acknowledge. And sometimes the explanation they offer is so different from your experience that it creates even more confusion.
You may never receive an apology that feels genuine. You may never hear them acknowledge what happened in the way you need them to.
For someone who has spent a long time doubting their own perceptions, that lack of validation can be particularly painful.
But here's something I often want clients to consider: You don't need the other person to agree with your experience for your experience to matter.
You can recognize that something was hurtful without proving that the other person intended to hurt you. You can establish boundaries without having a complete psychological explanation for their behaviour.
And you can begin healing even when some questions remain unanswered.
What Actually Helps Us Move Forward?
If understanding isn't enough, what does help?
For many people, healing involves gradually shifting attention away from the other person's motivations and toward the impact of the relationship on themselves.
Instead of asking, "Why did they do that?" we might begin exploring, "What happened to me when they did that?"
That shift opens up some important possibilities.
We can begin noticing how the relationship affected our sense of safety, our confidence, and our ability to trust our own judgment. We can explore why certain situations still trigger anxiety or self-doubt, even when we logically know we're no longer in the same circumstances.
Therapy can provide a space to work through those experiences, whether that involves processing painful memories, understanding protective responses, or rebuilding a sense of emotional safety.
Healing might also involve grieving what we hoped the relationship would become, reconnecting with supportive people, practising boundaries, or learning to recognize our own needs again.
None of these things requires us to fully understand the other person's inner world.
They require us to become more connected to our own.
You Can Understand Someone and Still Decide Their Behaviour Wasn't Okay
There's another distinction I think is particularly important.
Understanding someone's history, emotional limitations, or struggles doesn't mean excusing their behaviour.
You can have compassion for someone who experienced a difficult childhood while also recognizing that their behaviour caused you harm.
You can acknowledge that someone struggles with emotional regulation without accepting responsibility for managing their reactions.
And you can understand that a person may have been acting from their own pain without deciding that you must continue exposing yourself to that pain.
Empathy and boundaries aren't mutually exclusive.
In fact, part of healing may involve learning that you can care about someone and still make decisions that protect your own emotional well-being.
Sometimes Healing Begins When the Questions Change
One of the shifts I find most meaningful in therapy happens when someone starts becoming less interested in figuring out the other person and more interested in understanding themselves.
They begin asking different questions.
Why did I stop trusting my own judgment? What made it so difficult to express my needs? What do I notice in my body when someone seems disappointed with me? What would help me feel safer in my relationships now?
These questions aren't about blaming yourself for what happened. They're about recognizing that your healing deserves at least as much attention as the other person's behaviour has received.
You might never know exactly why someone hurt you. You might never get the explanation, apology, or accountability you hoped for.
That doesn't mean you can't heal.
Sometimes the most important understanding isn't about why they did what they did. It's about what you need now.
Joey's Take 🐾
Sometimes I spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to figure out why a squirrel went up one tree instead of another. I investigate, I sniff, and I check every possible direction. Eventually, though, I realize the squirrel is long gone and there are much better things to do with my afternoon. I'm not saying I always make that decision quickly, but I'm getting better at it.
About Lianne
I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC who works online with clients across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, life transitions, and helping people recover from emotionally abusive and manipulative relationships. I’m certified in EMDR, a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past, and I’m also a Certified Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinician, having completed extensive training and certification with Dr. Ramani Durvasula. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and combine evidence-based approaches with practical tools tailored to each person’s unique experiences. When I’m not in session, you’ll probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean, my favourite co-therapist.
