What I'm Listening For When you Talk About a Relationship That Feels Confusing

Lianne Perry, MA., MSc., RCC

Sometimes the clarity isn't the story. It's in what you start to notice.

When people come into therapy to talk about a relationship that feels confusing, they often assume I’m listening for one main thing.

They think I’m trying to figure out whether the relationship is “good” or “bad,” or whether they should stay or leave.

But that’s actually not where my attention goes first.

I’m listening for something a little more subtle.

I’m listening for the moments that don’t quite line up

As you tell me your story, there are often parts that sound warm, connected, even hopeful. And then, sometimes just a few sentences later, there are moments that feel completely different. Distant, dismissive, or painful.

What I’m paying attention to isn’t just each moment on its own. It’s how those moments sit next to each other.

When the tone of a relationship shifts quickly like that, it can create a kind of internal disorientation. And often, that disorientation shows up in how the story is told, too. A pause, a change in energy, a quick move past something that actually felt significant.

Those are the places I gently slow things down.

I’m listening for how you make sense of what’s happening

Another thing I’m paying close attention to is how you explain the other person’s behaviour.

It’s very common to hear a lot of understanding, a lot of context, and a lot of giving the benefit of the doubt. You might explain why they were stressed, why they reacted the way they did, or why something “wasn’t really that bad.”

And to be clear, understanding context is not a problem.

But I’m also noticing whether your own experience is getting minimized in the process. Whether your feelings are being set aside so the story can make more sense.

I’m listening for what happens to you in the relationship

Often, the focus is on what the other person is doing. But I’m also paying attention to what happens inside you over time.

Do you start second guessing yourself more? Do you feel like you have to be more careful? Do you notice a shift in how steady or confident you feel?

These changes can be gradual, and easy to miss when you’re inside the relationship. But they tell us a lot about the impact it’s having on you.

I’m listening for the pull in two directions

This is one of the most important pieces.

It’s very common to hear both clarity and uncertainty in the same conversation. Part of you knows something doesn’t feel right. And another part of you still feels connected, hopeful, or not quite ready to let go.

I’m not trying to push one of those parts aside.

Instead, I’m listening for both. Because that internal push and pull usually isn’t random. It reflects how your system is trying to make sense of something that has felt both meaningful and painful.

I’m not trying to label the other person

Something else that’s important here is what I’m not doing.

I’m not listening with the goal of diagnosing or labelling the other person. Instead, I’m paying attention to patterns, what keeps happening in the relationship, how it unfolds over time, and how it impacts you.

I’m also listening closely for how certain behaviours are affecting you, even if you’re not naming that impact directly. Sometimes that shows up in subtle ways, like second guessing yourself more, feeling more on edge, or noticing a shift in how steady or confident you feel.

Shifting the focus this way tends to bring more clarity. It moves us away from trying to define who someone is, and toward understanding what you’re actually experiencing, and what that experience is doing to you.

I’m listening for where we can slow things down

When something feels confusing, there’s often a tendency to either rush toward a decision or stay stuck in the same loop.

Part of my role is to help slow that process down.

To gently explore what’s actually happening, what you’re feeling, and what different parts of you might need before any big decisions are made.

That’s where clarity tends to come from. Not from forcing an answer, but from understanding the experience more fully.

Closing thoughts

If you’ve ever left a conversation about your relationship feeling more confused than when you started, there’s usually a reason for that.

Confusion doesn’t come out of nowhere. It often shows up when something important isn’t lining up, even if you can’t quite name it yet.

And sometimes, having someone sit with you and listen a little differently can help those pieces start to come into focus.

Joey’s Take 🐾

Still here. Still waiting.

I’m ready.

I’ve been ready.

Just… waiting for you to decide if we’re playing or not.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC who works online with clients across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, and life transitions, and I’m certified in EMDR, a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and often a mix of talk therapy and practical tools. When I’m not in session, you’ll probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean, my favourite co-therapist.