Why You Feel Pulled Back Into Situations You Know Aren't Good For You

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

Sometimes the hardest step isn't knowing what needs to change. It's trusting yourself enough to take the next step.

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, "Why am I doing this again?"

Maybe it's replying to a text from someone you've worked so hard to move on from. Maybe it's agreeing to something you didn't really want to do because saying no felt too uncomfortable.

Maybe it's staying in a job that's draining you, or convincing yourself that this time a relationship, friendship, or family dynamic will somehow be different.

You know it isn't working. You can probably list all the reasons why it's unhealthy. You may have even talked it through with friends, journaled about it, or discussed it in therapy.

So why does it still have such a strong pull?

It's a question many people ask themselves, often with a healthy dose of frustration and self-criticism. They tell themselves they should know better by now, as though understanding a pattern should be enough to stop repeating it.

Unfortunately, that's not usually how change works.

Your Brain Isn't Trying to Make You Happy

One of the most important things to understand is that your brain's primary job isn't to make you happy. It's to keep you alive.

One of the ways it does that is by preferring what's familiar.

If you grew up feeling responsible for other people's emotions, learned to avoid conflict at all costs, or spent years trying to earn love and approval, your nervous system became incredibly good at navigating those situations. They may not have been healthy, but they were predictable.

Our brains often mistake predictable for safe.

That's why healthy situations can sometimes feel surprisingly uncomfortable. They don't fit the blueprint your nervous system has been using for years.

"But I Know Better..."

This is often where people become frustrated with themselves.

"I know they're not good for me."

"I know this relationship isn't healthy."

"I know I deserve better."

Knowing those things is important, but knowing and feeling aren't always on the same page.

Think about any habit you've ever tried to change. Most of us know we should get more sleep, spend less time on our phones, or stop eating the cookies sitting on the kitchen counter. Knowing what would be healthier doesn't automatically make the healthier choice feel easier.

Our relationships work much the same way.

The logical part of your brain may know it's time to move on, while another part of you is desperately trying to keep you connected because connection, even painful connection, once felt necessary for survival.

Familiar Doesn't Mean Healthy

One of the hardest parts of healing is realizing that familiar and healthy are not the same thing.

I've worked with people who felt guilty after setting a completely reasonable boundary. Others have questioned whether they were being "too sensitive" after being treated poorly. Some have found themselves missing relationships that caused them tremendous pain.

Those reactions can be incredibly confusing.

People often assume those feelings mean they've made the wrong decision.

More often, they simply mean your nervous system is adjusting to something new.

Imagine wearing an old pair of shoes for years. They may be worn out, uncomfortable, and no longer supporting your feet properly, but they fit because you've worn them for so long. A new pair may actually be better for you, but at first they feel different. It takes time before they become the pair you naturally reach for.

Healing can feel a lot like that.

There's Usually a Protective Part Involved

One of the approaches I use in therapy is Internal Family Systems, or IFS. It helps us understand that we all have different parts of ourselves, each trying to help in its own way.

When someone finds themselves pulled back into an unhealthy situation, I rarely see it as a lack of willpower.

More often, I see a protective part that's trying to prevent something it believes would be even more painful. It might be trying to protect you from rejection, loneliness, conflict, failure, or abandonment. Even if its strategy no longer serves you, it usually makes sense when we understand where it came from.

That shift from judgment to curiosity is often where meaningful change begins.

Lasting Change Happens Below the Surface

People sometimes tell me, "I understand exactly why I do this, but I still keep doing it."

Insight is a wonderful starting point, but lasting change often requires more than insight.

This is one of the reasons I use approaches like EMDR. Rather than simply understanding your history, EMDR helps your nervous system process experiences that continue to influence how you respond today. As those experiences become less emotionally charged, healthier choices often begin to feel more natural.

You're no longer fighting yourself every step of the way.

Final Thoughts

If you keep finding yourself pulled back into situations you know aren't good for you, I'd encourage you to replace self-judgment with curiosity.

Instead of asking, "What's wrong with me?" try asking, "What is this part of me trying to protect?"

That's a very different question.

The answer is rarely that you're weak or broken. More often, it's that your nervous system is relying on strategies that once helped you survive.

The good news is that our brains are capable of learning new patterns. With time, support, and the right tools, what feels unfamiliar today can eventually become your new normal.

Joey's Take 🐾

Sometimes the hardest thing isn't knowing when something isn't working. It's finding the courage to let go and choose a different path.

Sometimes I find a stick that's way bigger than it needs to be.

Mom just smiles because she knows what's coming next. I'll get it caught on a tree, a rock, or the side of the trail. Instead of letting go and finding a stick that fits, I'll keep tugging and pulling, convinced that if I just try a little harder, it'll work.

Eventually, I give up, find a different stick, and we're on our way again.

Humans do something similar. It's easy to keep pulling on relationships, situations, or expectations that no longer fit, simply because you've already invested so much in them. Letting go doesn't mean you failed. Sometimes it just means you've made room for something that's a better fit.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC who works online with clients across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, life transitions, and helping people recover from emotionally abusive and manipulative relationships. I’m certified in EMDR, a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past, and I’m also a Certified Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinician, having completed extensive training and certification with Dr. Ramani Durvasula. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and combine evidence-based approaches with practical tools tailored to each person’s unique experiences. When I’m not in session, you’ll probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean, my favourite co-therapist.