How Do You Know If You Should Stay Together or Not?

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

Not every decision is about choosing one path over the other.

This is one of the hardest questions people bring into therapy, not because there is no answer, but because the answer is rarely immediate. Most people are not sitting in relationships that are clearly good or clearly bad. They are somewhere in the middle. There is love, history, and moments that feel easy and connected. And there are also patterns that feel stuck, frustrating, or quietly painful.

So the question becomes less about a single moment and more about the overall experience of being in the relationship, and whether that experience can shift.

It Is Less About a Moment and More About the Pattern

Feelings matter, but they can shift quickly, especially in relationships that have both strong and strained moments. What tends to matter more over time is the pattern between you. How do you handle conflict? What happens when something important comes up? Do you feel heard, or do you feel like you are repeating yourself?

In the Gottman Method, we pay close attention to these patterns because they tell us far more than isolated incidents. It is not the occasional argument that predicts how a relationship will do. It is how couples consistently move through those moments together.

The Four Horsemen, and What They Tell You

Gottman research identifies four communication patterns that tend to be especially hard on relationships: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

Most couples will recognize at least one of these. Criticism sounds like attacking the person instead of the issue. Defensiveness shows up as protecting yourself instead of staying open. Contempt can look like sarcasm, eye rolling, dismissiveness, or a sense of being looked down on. Stonewalling is when one person shuts down or withdraws completely.

Seeing these show up does not automatically mean a relationship is over. But if they have become the dominant pattern, and nothing is shifting, that is important information.

Are You Able to Repair After Conflict?

It is not whether things go wrong that matters most. They will. What matters is whether repair happens afterward. Repair attempts are the small ways couples come back to each other, a softer tone, a pause, or a simple “that did not come out right, can we try again?”

In relationships that can grow, these repair attempts are noticed and accepted, even if imperfectly. If repair is happening, even inconsistently, there is usually room for the relationship to shift. If repair is missing, and disconnection keeps stacking up, that is something to pay attention to.

Are You Both Willing to Look at What Is Happening?

Another key factor is willingness. Not perfection, but willingness. Are both of you open to looking at your part in the pattern? Can you talk about the relationship itself, not just the day to day issues?

The Gottmans often talk about turning toward each other instead of away. These are the small moments where one partner reaches, and the other responds. If those moments are consistently missed or dismissed, the relationship can start to feel lonely, even when you are together. If there is willingness to turn toward each other, even in small ways, that creates space for change.

What Happens to the Emotional Climate Over Time

Over time, relationships develop what the Gottmans call an emotional climate. In some relationships, there is a general sense of warmth, respect, and goodwill, even when things are not perfect. In others, interactions start to get filtered through frustration or negativity. This is sometimes referred to as negative sentiment override, where even neutral or positive moments are interpreted through a more negative lens.

If the overall climate has shifted in that direction, it can make everything feel harder. But it is also something that can be worked with, if both people are willing.

Can You Be Yourself in This Relationship?

This is often a quieter question, but an important one. Do you feel like you can be yourself, or do you find yourself constantly adjusting to keep the relationship stable? Relationships involve compromise, but they should not require you to lose your sense of who you are.

Over time, consistently setting aside your own needs or voice can create a different kind of distance, one that is harder to see at first, but deeply felt.

Is There Movement, or Does It Feel Stuck?

Every relationship has difficult phases, but there is usually some sense of movement over time. The ability to shift, adjust, and respond to what is not working is what keeps relationships from becoming stuck.

If you find yourselves having the same conversations in the same way, with the same outcome, it can start to feel like nothing is changing. That does not automatically mean the relationship cannot work, but it does mean something in the pattern needs to shift.

You Do Not Have to Have the Answer Right Away

There can be a lot of pressure to figure this out quickly, to decide whether to stay or go. But clarity often comes from slowing down and looking more closely at what is actually happening. From noticing patterns, having different conversations, and allowing space for something new to emerge.

Sometimes that leads to a stronger, more connected relationship. Sometimes it leads to a clearer understanding that it is not the right fit. Both outcomes come from paying attention, not rushing.

You Do Not Have to Figure This Out Alone

This is not a small question, and it is not one you have to answer on your own. Having a space to talk it through, individually or together, can help you step out of the cycle you are in and look at things more clearly. Not to be told what to do, but to better understand what is actually happening and what your options are.

Joey’s Take 🐾

Not always in step, still moving in the same direction.

Sometimes we don’t walk the same way.

One of us is a little ahead. One of us hangs back for a second. The leashes get a bit tangled, then they straighten out again.

We’re still going the same direction.

It doesn’t have to look perfectly in sync to still work.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC. I have completed Level 3 Practicum training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and I use the Gottman Method in my work with couples. I help support couples online across Canada who want to strengthen their communication, manage conflict, and feel more connected. You do not need to be in crisis to benefit. Many couples I see are simply looking to make a good relationship even better. My style is down to earth, practical, and focused on giving you tools you can actually use outside of therapy.