Myth: Therapy Means Talking About Your Childhood Over and Over

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

We can look back to understand, but the real healing happens in the here and now.

The myth that never seems to retire

If I had a seashell for every time someone said, “I don’t want to spend years talking about my childhood,” I’d have quite the collection by now.

It’s one of the most common hesitations people have about starting therapy. Somewhere along the way, therapy got a reputation for being a deep dive into the past, complete with endless replays of childhood memories and family drama.

But here’s the truth: good therapy is not about camping out in your childhood. It’s about understanding how your past shaped your present, and then using that insight to help you move forward.

Why childhood comes up (but not forever)

Therapists ask about your past because that’s where your patterns began. The way you learned to handle conflict, ask for help, or deal with disappointment didn’t just appear one day in adulthood. Those responses were shaped early on by what you saw, experienced, or needed.

Exploring your childhood isn’t about blaming parents or dredging up every painful moment. It’s about context. When you can see how an old pattern formed, you can finally stop being run by it.

The goal is to help you connect the dots, not relive every page of the story.

We visit the past to understand the present

Think of it like flying a plane through clouds. If you don’t understand what turbulence is, it feels terrifying. Once you know how it works, it’s still bumpy, but you don’t panic the same way.

In therapy, we sometimes look at the past to understand the turbulence in your life now. Once you see where it comes from, you have more control over how you navigate it.

And unlike that endless flight metaphor your uncle told at Christmas, we don’t stay stuck circling the same story forever. We learn what we need, and then we move forward.

What modern therapy actually looks like

Therapy today is collaborative and practical. It’s less about endless analysis and more about helping you live differently now.

We might talk about how an early experience shaped the way you react in relationships, but then we’ll work on what to do with that insight. That’s where techniques like EMDR and IFS come in — they help the brain and body release old reactions without needing to rehash every detail of the past.

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps your brain finish processing experiences that got stuck. You don’t have to retell the whole story, just connect with the emotions and sensations that need healing.

• IFS (Internal Family Systems) helps you understand and care for the different parts of yourself that developed along the way — the overachiever, the caretaker, the protector, the one that sometimes wants to hide.

Both are forward-moving approaches. The goal is not to unpack your entire childhood suitcase but to help you stop carrying it everywhere you go.

The question isn’t “why do I feel this way?”

It’s “what does this part of me need right now?”

When you shift from analyzing to understanding, something changes. You start responding to yourself with compassion instead of judgment. And that’s where healing begins.

Yes, your childhood might come up in therapy, because it’s part of your story. But you are the author now. Therapy helps you take the pen back.

What we actually talk about

In most sessions, we’re focused on what’s happening in your life right now:

• The anxiety that spikes before a difficult conversation

• The tension that builds in your shoulders when someone interrupts you

• The way you second-guess yourself after setting a boundary

Together, we connect those moments to the bigger picture. Sometimes that picture includes the past, but more often it’s about creating tools and awareness that make your present life feel more grounded and peaceful.

So no, you don’t need a perfect memory to heal

You don’t have to remember every detail or have a dramatic story. You just need a willingness to be curious about yourself.

Therapy is about learning how your brain and body adapted to life’s challenges, and how you can start living in ways that feel more aligned and calm.

Sometimes that means looking back for a minute. But the work, and the change, happens here, in the present.

Joey’s Take 🐾

My human says therapy isn’t about talking about your childhood forever. Personally, I don’t remember much from my puppyhood anyway, except the part where I was super cute (see?) and I learned “sit.” I think therapy sounds a lot like that, learning new tricks that make life easier. And maybe getting a treat or two along the way.

Baby Joey reflecting on his puppyhood...briefly, before getting back to the important work of snacks and naps.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC who works online with clients across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, and life transitions, and I’m certified in EMDR, a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and often a mix of talk therapy and practical tools. When I’m not in session, you’ll probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean, my favourite co-therapist.