Why You Struggle to Trust Your Own Decisions (And What Actually Helps)

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

You can keep going, even when the path is not fully clear yet.

If you find yourself second guessing even small decisions, you are not alone.

Clients often say things like, “I know what I want, but I do not trust myself to choose it,” or “I feel frozen unless someone else confirms I am doing the right thing.” These moments are often followed by frustration, self criticism, or the quiet fear that something is wrong with them.

There is not.

Struggling to trust your own decisions is rarely about intelligence, insight, or willpower. More often, it is about safety.

When decision making does not feel safe

Your brain and nervous system are not designed to help you make perfect choices. Their primary job is to keep you safe.

If you grew up in an environment where your needs were dismissed, your feelings were minimized, or your choices were criticized or punished, your nervous system may have learned that choosing is risky. The same can happen after trauma, unpredictable relationships, or experiences where trusting yourself led to pain or loss.

Over time, this can show up as overthinking, paralysis, or a strong pull to seek reassurance from others.

From the outside, it can look like indecision or lack of confidence. On the inside, it often feels like pressure, fear, or a deep desire to avoid getting it wrong.

This is not a personal flaw. It is a protective strategy.

Why your brain keeps scanning for the “right” answer

When your nervous system is in a threat based state, it looks for certainty. It wants guarantees. It wants to know how to avoid regret, rejection, or failure.

The problem is that most meaningful decisions do not come with certainty.

When your system believes uncertainty equals danger, it responds by looping through possibilities, replaying past mistakes, or searching for someone else to decide for you. This is not because you are incapable. It is because your system is trying to protect you.

Understanding this can be incredibly relieving. It shifts the question from “What is wrong with me?” to “What happened that taught my system to work this way?”

Why reassurance helps briefly, then makes things worse

Reaching out to others for reassurance makes sense. When someone confirms your choice, your nervous system gets a temporary sense of relief.

But reassurance does not build self trust. It usually strengthens self doubt.

Each time you outsource a decision, your brain learns that safety lives outside of you. The relief fades quickly, and the urge to check again returns. Over time, the circle tightens.

This is why people often feel dependent on reassurance even though they logically know they are capable.

Self trust is not built through perfect answers. It is built through lived experience.

The truth about confidence and decision making

One of the most damaging myths about decision making is the belief that you need to feel confident before you act.

In reality, most people who trust themselves did not start out confident. They started by making small, imperfect choices, noticing that they survived them, and slowly building internal steadiness.

Confidence is often something learned after the fact.

Waiting to feel ready can keep you stuck indefinitely. Learning to move forward with some uncertainty is often the path that creates trust.

What actually helps rebuild self trust

Rebuilding self trust is less about thinking harder and more about creating enough internal safety to choose.

Here are some shifts that genuinely help.

Start smaller than you think you need to

You do not need to begin with life altering decisions. Choosing what you want for dinner, how you spend your evening, or when you need rest are all meaningful places to practice listening to yourself.

Include your body in the process

Decision making is not purely cognitive. Pay attention to physical cues like tightness, settling, or ease. Your body often gives information long before your thoughts feel clear.

Expect uncertainty and stop treating it as danger

Feeling unsure does not mean you are making the wrong choice. It often means you are doing something new. Learning to tolerate uncertainty without panic is a core part of self trust.

Shift from self judgment to self curiosity

Instead of asking, “What if I mess this up?” try asking, “What might I learn from this?” Even decisions that do not turn out as hoped can strengthen trust when you meet them with compassion rather than blame.

This is something you can relearn

If trusting yourself feels hard right now, it does not mean you are broken, behind, or incapable.

It means your nervous system learned to prioritize protection.

With the right support, self trust can be rebuilt gently and safely. Often, it begins not with confidence, but with permission. Permission to choose imperfectly. Permission to learn as you go. Permission to believe that you can handle whatever comes next.

Joey’s Take 🐾

Sometimes you want the stick. Sometimes you want the ball. Sometimes you grab a branch twice your size just to prove you can carry it. Decision making is a process.

Sometimes I want the stick. Sometimes I want the ball. Sometimes I want both and then change my mind halfway through.

Here is the thing though. No matter what I choose, I recover pretty fast. If the stick was not as fun as I thought, I shake it off and move on to the next thing.

Humans tend to think every choice is permanent. From my perspective, most choices are just information. You try. You notice. You adjust.

Also, snacks help.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC who works online with clients across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, and life transitions, and I’m certified in EMDR, a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and often a mix of talk therapy and practical tools. When I’m not in session, you’ll probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean, my favourite co-therapist.