Valentine’s Day When You’re Single, Struggling, or Just Not Feeling It

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

A space to slow down and meet yourself with kindness.

Valentine’s Day has a way of amplifying feelings that are already there.

For some people, it is sweet and connective. For others, it brings up loneliness, grief, pressure, or a quiet sense of not measuring up. And for many, it is simply complicated.

What often makes Valentine’s Day harder is not the day itself, but the story it tells about what love is supposed to look like. The messages are loud and repetitive. If you are loved, you should feel chosen. If you are secure, you should feel content. If you are doing life right, this day should feel good.

When your internal experience does not match that script, it is easy to assume something is wrong.

Why Valentine’s Day hits deeper than expected

Valentine’s Day presses on some very human needs.

We are wired for connection, safety, and belonging. When those needs feel unmet, or when they have felt fragile in the past, days that spotlight romance can activate old wounds.

You might notice comparison creeping in. You might feel more aware of past disappointments or losses. You might feel pressure to feel something you do not actually feel.

None of that means you are broken or unlovable. It means this day is touching on attachment, memory, and meaning.

Emotional needs do not disappear just because you are single

One of the quieter myths around Valentine’s Day is that emotional needs should only matter within romantic relationships.

That is not true.

The need to feel seen, valued, and emotionally safe exists whether or not you are partnered. These needs can be met in many ways, through friendships, chosen family, meaningful work, creativity, or a relationship with yourself that is kind rather than critical.

Romantic love is one form of connection. It is not the only form that counts.

When self criticism shows up

Valentine’s Day often invites an inner commentary.

Why am I still alone?Why does this feel harder for me?Why can’t I just be happy for other people?

Self criticism tends to show up when vulnerability is close to the surface. It tries to protect you by making sense of pain, but it often does so harshly.

Instead of asking what is wrong with you, it can be more helpful to ask what this day is stirring up and why. Often, there is a younger part of you that learned something about love, rejection, or worth that still wants reassurance.

A more compassionate way to approach the day

You do not have to force Valentine’s Day to feel good. You also do not have to ignore it completely.

A more grounded approach is to treat it as information.

Notice what comes up in your body and emotions. Notice any urge to withdraw, distract, or judge yourself. Then ask what you might need right now to feel a little more supported.

That might look like reaching out to a friend, planning something nourishing, setting boundaries with social media, or choosing rest instead of performance.

Care does not have to be dramatic to be meaningful.

What therapy often explores around this time

In therapy, Valentine’s Day can be a useful lens.

It can reveal how you relate to closeness, expectation, and disappointment. It can highlight patterns of longing, avoidance, or self protection. It can also surface grief for relationships you hoped for but did not have.

None of these experiences are failures. They are invitations to understand your nervous system and attachment history with more compassion.

Over time, this understanding can soften the way these days land.

Love is not a test you are failing

One of the most painful beliefs Valentine’s Day reinforces is the idea that love is a scoreboard.

Who has it. Who does not. Who is ahead. Who is behind.

But love is not a performance metric. It is not proof of worth. And it does not arrive on a schedule.

Your capacity for connection, care, and depth does not disappear because of your relationship status. It exists in how you show up for yourself and others, often in ways that are quieter than the cultural narrative celebrates.

What it can look like to reclaim the day

Reclaiming Valentine’s Day does not mean reframing it into something cheerful if that feels false.

It means letting it be human.

You are allowed to feel tender. You are allowed to feel neutral. You are allowed to opt out of the pressure to perform happiness.

When you meet yourself with honesty and kindness, you are practicing the very thing this day claims to be about.

And that matters more than cards, flowers, or expectations.

Joey’s Take 🐾🐾

Sometimes I sit next to someone without needing anything from them. No chasing. No proving. Just being close.

That counts too.

Comfort can look like simply being near.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC who works online with clients across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, and life transitions, and I’m certified in EMDR, a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and often a mix of talk therapy and practical tools. When I’m not in session, you’ll probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean, my favourite co therapist.