How You Feel Responsible for Everyone Else’s Emotions
- LPerry
- 2 days ago
- 3 min read
Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC
Have you ever noticed how quickly your nervous system starts scanning a room?
Someone sighs. A tone shifts. A pause lingers a beat too long. And before you even realize it, you are already trying to fix it.
You soften your words. You explain yourself more. You change the subject. You take responsibility for something that may not actually belong to you.
Many people who come to therapy tell me some version of this.“I just don’t want anyone to be upset because of me.”
On the surface, that sounds caring. Underneath, it is often exhausting.
Where this pattern usually starts
Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions is rarely a conscious choice. It is something your nervous system learned early as a way to stay safe and connected.
If emotions felt unpredictable growing up, or if tension in the home felt dangerous, your system may have adapted by becoming very good at emotional monitoring. In some families, conflict led to anger, withdrawal, or silence. In others, keeping the peace mattered more than being honest.
Over time, your brain learned that staying attuned to other people’s moods helped prevent rupture or loss.
This is not weakness. It is survival intelligence.
How it shows up in adulthood
As an adult, this pattern often shows up quietly and persistently. You may feel anxious when someone seems disappointed, even if you do not know why. You might notice yourself over explaining or apologizing automatically, or taking on emotional labour that is not yours to carry.
Calm only arrives when everyone else seems okay.
The cost is that your nervous system rarely gets to rest. You are always managing the emotional weather instead of staying connected to your own internal world.
The difference between empathy and responsibility
This is an important distinction.
Empathy is the ability to understand and care about another person’s emotional experience. Responsibility is the belief that it is your job to fix, prevent, or carry that experience.
You can care deeply without taking ownership of feelings that do not belong to you. Someone can feel disappointed, frustrated, or sad without it meaning you have failed or done something wrong.
This shift is not about becoming uncaring. It is about becoming more grounded.
What therapy often focuses on here
In therapy, we often slow this pattern way down.
We pay attention to what happens in your body the moment someone’s mood shifts, how quickly your thoughts move toward self blame, and what your nervous system is trying to protect you from. Often, the fear underneath is that if you do not manage the situation, something bad will happen.
Approaches like EMDR can help your nervous system update those older beliefs. You do not have to relive the past to change the pattern. Your body can learn that the present is different and that you are safer now.
What starts to change
As this pattern loosens, many people notice more energy, clearer boundaries, and less resentment. Relationships begin to feel more honest and less effortful.
You start responding instead of reacting. And slowly, your nervous system learns that you are allowed to exist without managing everyone else’s emotional state.
That is not selfish.That is regulated.
Joey’s Take 🐾🐾
Sometimes another dog at the park gets grumpy. I notice. I sniff. But I do not feel responsible for fixing their mood.
I just shake it off and go find my ball.
Highly recommend this approach.
About Lianne
I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC who works online with clients across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, and life transitions, and I’m certified in EMDR, a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and often a mix of talk therapy and practical tools. When I’m not in session, you’ll probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean, my favourite co therapist.
