What I Notice in Session When You Say You Are ‘Fine’ but Your Body Says Otherwise

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

Sometimes the surface looks calm even when something deeper is trying to be heard.

There is a moment in online therapy that I see all the time. You smile. You shrug. You tell me you are fine.And at the exact same time, something in your body quietly gives you away.

Maybe your shoulders rise toward your ears. Maybe your breath gets tight. Maybe your eyes look everywhere but the screen. Maybe your voice lifts a little higher than usual, like you are trying to convince both of us.

It is like two versions of you appear on the video call. The part that wants to stay composed and the part that is trying hard to be heard.

This is not you doing anything wrong. This is your nervous system trying to finish a conversation your mind has been postponing.

Let’s talk about what that means and why it matters.

Your Body Speaks Before You Do

Even in online sessions, your body speaks first. Your nervous system reacts long before your thoughts turn into words. This is survival wiring. It is automatic and effortless.

When you say you are fine, here are some of the things I might notice on the screen:

• A long, quiet exhale• Shoulders folding inward• A tiny pause before answering• A tight jaw or a quick swallow• Your gaze dropping to the side instead of toward the camera• A stillness that feels more like freeze than calm

These are not mistakes. They are messages. They give us a starting point, often before you have said anything out loud.

Why We Still Say We Are Fine

Many people grow up believing emotional needs are burdens. You may have learned that the safest way to get through life was to look put together, stay agreeable, and keep the harder parts of yourself tucked away.

So you became excellent at appearing fine, even when something inside feels heavy or unsettled.

In therapy, especially online where you are in your own space, the protective habits often show up even more strongly. But this is also where the real healing begins. You can soften slowly. You can speak honestly without someone sitting directly across from you.

What I Pay Attention To in Online Sessions

I am never listening to only your words. I pay attention to your tone, your breath, the way you shift in your chair, and the moment your face softens when you move from autopilot to truth.

Your nervous system is part of the conversation, even through a screen. This is especially important in EMDR and IFS, both of which work with the body as much as the mind.

So when your body gives us something to notice, it is not a sign you are slipping. It is a sign you are ready for deeper work.

What Happens When You Stop Saying You Are Fine

You do not unravel. You do not lose control.

You reconnect with the part of you that has been holding everything together. You learn to feel safe in your own body again. You learn to listen to signals you have been trained to ignore.

And that is where people begin to feel relief. Not because the problems disappear overnight, but because you no longer have to carry them silently.

Joey’s Take 🐾

I tell the human I am fine too, but she always notices when my ears tilt or my tail stiffens. Bodies have a way of revealing the truth, even on camera. Especially when you are trying to act brave. Or when you've just been rudely awakened, as this picture shows.

"I was rudely awakened from my nap, so no, I am not fine, even if I said I was. My ear tells the real story" Joey.

About Lianne

I am Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC. I work online with clients across Canada and specialize in trauma, anxiety, and life transitions. I am certified in EMDR, a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and a mix of talk therapy and practical tools. When I am not in session, you will probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean, my favourite co therapist.