The Difference Between Feeling Heard and Actually Feeling Understood

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

It's not just about being close. It's about feeling like someone is truly with you.

A lot of couples come into therapy saying some version of the same thing. They tell me they’ve talked about it, that they’ve had the conversation over and over, and that nothing seems to change. On the surface, it can look like communication isn’t the issue. The words are there, the effort is there, and yet both people are still walking away from those conversations feeling alone in them. This is often where the difference between feeling heard and actually feeling understood starts to show up.

Feeling heard isn’t the same as feeling understood

Feeling heard usually means your partner is listening. They’re not interrupting, they’re giving you space to speak, and they may even be able to repeat back what you said. But feeling understood goes a step further. It’s the sense that your partner actually gets what the experience was like for you, not just the details, but the emotional meaning behind them. You can be listened to very carefully and still feel completely misunderstood, and when that happens repeatedly, it can start to feel like you’re speaking different languages, even when you’re using the same words.

Where things tend to go off track

One of the most common patterns I see is that as soon as something difficult is brought up, the conversation shifts quickly into explaining, defending, or correcting. One partner shares how something felt, and the other responds with why it happened, what they meant, or what wasn’t intended. While those responses might be accurate, they often miss the moment. In that moment, the goal isn’t to clarify the facts. It’s to connect with the experience. When that doesn’t happen, the person who shared can feel dismissed, even if that wasn’t the intention.

Understanding requires slowing down

Feeling understood usually happens when the pace of the conversation changes. Instead of moving quickly to respond, fix, or explain, there’s a willingness to slow down and stay with what was just shared. This often looks like reflecting the experience back in a way that captures the emotional tone, not just the content. It might sound like acknowledging that something felt upsetting, surprising, or difficult, even if you would have experienced it differently. These kinds of responses don’t require agreement, they require presence. It’s about showing your partner that you’re willing to step into their perspective long enough for it to land.

It’s not about getting it perfect

A lot of people hesitate here because they’re worried about saying the wrong thing or making it worse. But understanding isn’t about getting the wording exactly right. It’s about getting close enough that your partner feels seen. Even when you don’t land it perfectly, staying open and willing to adjust matters more than getting it right the first time. Being able to say that you might not have it exactly, but that you want to understand, can shift the entire tone of a conversation and keep the connection intact.

Why this matters more than you might think

When someone feels consistently misunderstood, they often start to repeat themselves more, push harder, or eventually shut down. This isn’t because they want to argue, but because they’re still trying to be understood. On the other side, when someone feels like nothing they say is landing, they may become defensive or start to disengage. Over time, this creates distance, even in relationships where both people care deeply about each other. Moments of understanding interrupt that pattern. They create a sense of connection, even in the middle of something difficult, and that changes how the relationship feels over time.

Closing thoughts

Most couples don’t struggle because they aren’t talking. They struggle because they’re missing each other in the moments that matter most. Shifting from trying to be right to trying to understand can feel small in the moment, but it has a powerful impact. Over time, those moments of feeling understood begin to build a stronger sense of connection and trust between you.

Joey’s Take 🐾

It's one thing to reach out. What matters is how it's received.

I’m letting you know I want to play.

Now I just need you to meet me there.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC. I have completed Level 3 Practicum training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and I use the Gottman Method in my work with couples. I help support couples online across Canada who want to strengthen their communication, manage conflict, and feel more connected. You do not need to be in crisis to benefit. Many couples I see are simply looking to make a good relationship even better. My style is down to earth, practical, and focused on giving you tools you can actually use outside of therapy.