The Let Them Theory, By Mel Robbins – What's It All About??

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

Letting go and finding peace - inspired by Mel Robbins' Let Them Theory

You know those days where you’re scrambling to manage everyone and everything…and it still feels like you’re playing whack-a-mole with people’s feelings? That was me, until I came across The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. And honestly, it felt like someone had handed me a permission slip I didn’t even know I’d been waiting for.

Here’s the thing: so many of us are tired. Tired of trying to make everyone happy. Tired of bending ourselves into shapes that don’t even feel like us. Tired of wondering why it never seems to be enough. The Let Them Theory speaks right into that exhaustion. It’s not about controlling others; it’s about reclaiming your energy and coming back home to yourself.

So, what exactly is the “Let Them Theory”?

At its heart, the idea is beautifully simple:

1. Let Them: Let people be who they are and do what they’re going to do.(Spoiler: you can’t control anyone else but you, so why exhaust yourself trying?)

2. Let Me: Shift the focus back to yourself—your choices, your emotions, your boundaries.

It’s not therapy, but it’s a tool. And like many tools, it only works if you actually pick it up and practice with it. The first time you try saying “let them” out loud, it can feel strange, almost like you’re giving up. But what you’re actually doing is giving up the illusion of control. You’re trading the hamster wheel for a steadier path forward.

Why does this theory matter?

Because the truth is, most of us spend way too much time and energy trying to manage things that were never ours to manage in the first place.

We try to make people like us, understand us, or include us. We try to keep the peace by smoothing over conflicts before they’ve even happened. We try to predict how someone might react and adjust ourselves in advance.

Here’s what brain science tells us: humans are wired to seek certainty. Our nervous system feels safer when we think we know what’s coming. But when we constantly try to control others, we’re basically fighting the tide. It’s like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall—messy, frustrating, and impossible.

The Let Them Theory matters because it hands the steering wheel back to you. You can’t control their choices, but you can control where you invest your energy. And when you stop spending it on managing other people’s lives, you suddenly have more available for your own healing, your own joy, your own growth.

When shouldn’t you use it?

This part is important. The Let Them Theory is not about ignoring harmful behavior or pretending everything is fine. If someone is crossing a boundary, treating you with disrespect, or behaving in ways that are unsafe, do not just “let them.”

This is where discernment comes in. “Letting them” is not the same as excusing abuse. It’s not spiritual bypassing or stuffing your feelings down. Instead, it’s about choosing wisely where your responsibility begins and ends.

If someone is consistently unkind, your “let them” might sound more like: let them act that way, and let me step away. Or: let them make that choice, and let me protect my peace by setting a boundary.

Think of it like a filter: you’re not saying everything is okay, you’re saying “I don’t have to carry what isn’t mine.”

What happens when you try it?

Imagine this: you notice you weren’t invited to something you thought you’d be part of. Normally, your mind might race with “What did I do wrong? Why don’t they want me there?” That spiral can eat up hours of energy.

But with the Let Them Theory, the moment looks different. Instead of diving into self-blame, you pause, take a breath, and think: Let them.

And then, almost naturally, the second part follows: Now, what do I need? What lights me up today?

That tiny shift changes everything. Suddenly the story isn’t about rejection; it’s about redirection. The energy you would have spent analyzing someone else’s choices gets freed up for your own needs, your own joy, your own priorities.

This is the quiet power of the Let Them Theory: it creates space. Space to breathe. Space to choose. Space to be yourself again.

What’s the bottom line?

• It’s not a quick fix. Like most good things, this is a practice. You’ll forget. You’ll catch yourself trying to control again. That’s okay. Start over.

• Letting people be themselves doesn’t mean you don’t matter. In fact, it allows you to matter more—to yourself.

• Sometimes the most powerful act of healing isn’t doing more—it’s letting go. Letting go of control, of other people’s opinions, of the need to be everywhere for everyone.

Think of the Let Them Theory as a gentle nudge, a breath out in the middle of chaos. It reminds us that peace and clarity don’t come from fixing others. They come from freeing ourselves.

So next time you feel the urge to micromanage someone’s reaction, try whispering it: Let them. Then ask yourself the more important question: Now, what do I need?

If this idea resonates with you, and you’re curious about what it might look like to apply it in your own life, therapy can be a supportive space to practice it. Sometimes we need someone walking alongside us as we unlearn old patterns and build new ones that feel lighter, freer, and more authentic.

If you’re feeling ready to take that step, I’d be glad to explore it with you. 

Creating balance and clarity with the Let Them Theory mindset shift.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a therapist in BC who works online with clients across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, and life transitions, and I’m certified in EMDR — a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and often a mix of talk therapy and practical tools. When I’m not in session, you’ll probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean (my favourite co-therapist).