Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC
At any given time, I usually have some kind of psychology or self-help book on the go. These days, they’re often in audiobook format…by the way, what did we ever do before audiobooks? Isn’t it so much better to listen to Brene Brown or Ramani Durvasula or Molly Shannon read their own book to you? It makes me feel like the authors are speaking just to me and now we’re going to hang out and be best friends.
But, I digress. I had recently finished Dr. Ramani’s book called “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People” (mind-blowing!) and was looking for something new to dig into. So many of my clients and friends were talking about Mel Robbins’ “The Let Them Theory” that I figured I should see what all of the fuss was about.
I am now recommending it to most, if not all, of my clients.
The Let Them Theory will feel very familiar to those of you who have been doing personal work on setting and upholding personal boundaries. Essentially, The Let Them Theory is this, in two parts: First, let people be who they are and do what they’re going to do. You’re fooling yourself if you think you can control anybody other than yourself anyway, so why waste your energy? Human beings are hard-wired to want control and autonomy. You want it, so why would you assume the person you’re trying to control wouldn’t want it too? You can’t “make” someone change. The only way someone is going to change is if they want to, plain and simple. You also can’t “make” someone feel something, be something, do something, say something, or become something just because you want that for them or from them. Your partner has terrible eating habits and is living an unhealthy lifestyle? Let Them. Your friend has stopped reaching out to you and your feelings are hurt? Let Them. The cashier at the grocery store is short with you and you are offended at the rudeness? Let Them. Don’t allow anything that anyone else is doing to mess with your peacefulness and equilibrium. Just LET THEM.
Now, the second part of The Let Them Theory is just as important as the first, if not more so. The second part of The Let Them Theory is Let Me. This is where you get to choose what, if anything, you’re going to feel, do, or say about whatever is going on. This is where it becomes about setting and upholding boundaries. This is where it becomes your choice what your response is to something that someone else is doing. This is where it gets empowering. In any situation that involves other human beings, there are endless choices of how you can respond and you get to choose what works best for you in whatever situation you find yourself. Sometimes, that might mean doing or saying nothing. Sometimes, it might mean clearly communicating to the other person what your needs are, because let’s be honest, that’s part of our responsibility in an adult relationship. Sometimes, it might mean apologizing or owning your part in something. Whatever it is, Let Me is where you ask yourself, “How am I choosing to handle this?” and then you go from there.
I have a hunch that folks who are more anxiously attached may find parts of Let Them more difficult, and folks who are more avoidantly attached may find parts of Let Me more difficult. If you’re not familiar with attachment styles, I recommend the book “Attached” by Levine and Heller as a quick and informative read that also gives you the opportunity to complete an assessment to determine your own attachment style. If you’re anxiously attached, Letting Them might feel hugely activating to you because your instinct is probably to confront and get rid of the ambiguity. Letting Them requires restraint, in some cases, and a willingness to accept things as they are, even if they’re unresolved or not resolved to your satisfaction. If you’re avoidantly attached, the Let Me part might feel more activating because it’s probably really uncomfortable for you to imagine doing anything other than nothing (read: exit, stage left!) when conflict is possible or present. Going back to someone to state a need or holding yourself accountable to do something in any given situation might feel really challenging to an attachment style that would really rather just look the other way, if that's at all possible.
This is important work and I’m really glad to have a tool like Mel Robbins’ book to share with my clients. I think we’re all looking for a more peaceful and empowered way to move through life and The Let Them Theory is a nicely packaged way to understand how you can make this happen for yourself. For anyone interested in learning more, Mel has a great podcast as well and is present on various social media accounts like Instagram and Facebook.
Good luck “Letting Them” and “Letting You”!!
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