The Myth That Setting Boundaries Will Push People Away

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

Close enough to connect, far enough to choose.

For a lot of people, setting a boundary doesn’t just feel uncomfortable. It feels risky. It can sound like, “What if they think I’m selfish?” “What if this changes the relationship?” “What if they pull away?” So instead of saying no, you soften it. You over explain. You say yes when you don’t want to, and then try to manage how it feels afterward.

Not because you don’t know how to set a boundary, but because something in you is trying to protect the relationship.

Where This Fear Comes From

Most people don’t develop this fear out of nowhere.

If you’ve had experiences where connection felt dependent on being agreeable, easygoing, or accommodating, your system may have learned something important early on. That being liked and being accepted came from not making things difficult.

So now, even in adult relationships, setting a boundary can feel like you’re doing something wrong. Not logically, but emotionally.

Your nervous system can interpret a simple “no” as a potential disruption to connection. And that can be enough to make you hesitate.

What Boundaries Actually Do

There’s a common belief that boundaries create distance.

But in healthy relationships, boundaries actually create clarity. They let people know where you stand, what works for you, what doesn’t, and where your limits are.

Without that clarity, relationships can start to feel one sided or strained, even if everything looks fine on the surface.

You might find yourself feeling resentful, stretched thin, or quietly pulling back, not because the relationship isn’t important to you, but because you haven’t had a way to show up in it honestly.

Why It Feels So Hard in the Moment

Even when you understand all of this, setting a boundary can still feel hard in real time.

That’s because your body often reacts before your thoughts catch up. You might feel tension, anxiety, or a sudden urge to smooth things over. The words “it’s fine” can come out before you’ve had a chance to check in with what you actually want.

This isn’t a lack of skill. It’s a learned pattern.

And like most patterns, it takes practice to interrupt it.

This Is Where EMDR Can Help

When setting boundaries feels consistently difficult, it’s often connected to earlier experiences that shaped how safe it felt to express your needs.

In EMDR, we look at how those experiences are stored in the brain and nervous system. If speaking up or setting limits was linked to conflict, disconnection, or feeling dismissed, your system may still react as if those outcomes are likely, even when they’re not.

By processing those earlier experiences, EMDR can help reduce that automatic fear response. It becomes easier to pause, notice what you want, and respond in a way that feels more aligned.

Not because you’ve forced yourself to be different, but because your system no longer has to react the same way.

Boundaries Don’t Push People Away, Patterns Do

One of the most surprising shifts for many people is realizing that it’s not boundaries that create distance. It’s the absence of them.

When you consistently override your own needs, something in you starts to pull back. You might feel less present, less engaged, or quietly frustrated.

And over time, that can impact the relationship more than a clear, respectful boundary ever would.

Boundaries don’t remove connection. They support it.

What Happens When You Start Small

You don’t have to change everything at once.

Sometimes it starts with something small. Taking a moment before you answer. Saying, “Let me think about that.” Not immediately filling the space.

Or noticing, after the fact, “I didn’t actually want to say yes there.”

That awareness matters.

Because each time you pause, you’re creating a little more space between the automatic response and a more intentional one.

And over time, that space gets easier to access.

You’re Allowed to Take Up Space in Your Own Life

There’s often an underlying belief that other people’s needs should come first, or that maintaining connection requires you to minimize your own.

But you’re part of the relationship too.

Your needs, your limits, your preferences, they all matter.

And when you start including yourself in the equation, something shifts.

Your yes becomes more genuine. Your no becomes clearer. And your relationships have a chance to feel more balanced, more honest, and more sustainable.

Joey’s Take 🐾

Just checking...are you sure you want to say yes to that?

Sometimes I check in.

Just a paw, right here, like… “You sure about that?”

Not pushing. Not insisting. Just noticing.

You usually pause when I do that.

Might be worth listening to yourself the same way.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC who works online with clients across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, and life transitions, and I’m certified in EMDR, a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and often a mix of talk therapy and practical tools. When I’m not in session, you’ll probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean, my favourite co-therapist.