What I Pay Attention To When You Talk About Your Inner Critic

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

The way you see yourself is not always the full story.

When you start talking about your inner critic, I am not just listening to the words.

I am listening to the tone.

The speed.

The tightness in your jaw.

The way your shoulders subtly rise.

Sometimes the critic sounds loud and harsh. Sometimes it sounds calm and reasonable. Sometimes it sounds exactly like you believe it.

But here is what I am quietly paying attention to.

1. How Old You Sound

This one surprises people.

When you say,“I should be better than this,”or“I’m such an idiot,”

I often notice something shifts. Your posture changes. Your voice softens or sharpens. You look down instead of up.

And sometimes, without realizing it, you sound younger.

Inner critics are rarely original. They are often echoes. Echoes of parents. Teachers. Coaches. Partners. Cultural expectations.

I am listening for where that voice might have started because if it was learned, it can be unlearned.

2. Whether It Is a Manager Trying to Protect You

From an Internal Family Systems perspective, the inner critic is often what we call a Manager. Managers are proactive protectors. They try to prevent pain before it happens. They believe that if they push you hard enough, you will never feel:

Rejection. Humiliation. Failure. Abandonment.

The critic might say,“Do not mess this up.”“Work harder.”“You should know better.” It sounds harsh, but underneath it is usually fear.

When we understand that the critic is a Manager, it stops being the enemy. It becomes a part of you that learned extreme strategies to keep you safe.

And extreme protectors can soften when they trust that you are safer now.

3. What It Is Protecting

If the critic is a Manager, then it is protecting something.

Often, it is protecting younger parts of you that carry shame, rejection, grief, or the belief that you are not enough.

If a child once felt deeply embarrassed, the critic may grow up saying,“Never let that happen again.” If a teenager once felt rejected, the critic may say,“Do not give anyone a reason to leave.”

When we approach the critic with curiosity instead of combat, we often discover it is guarding something tender and that tenderness deserves care, not punishment.

4. Whether the Belief Is Stored as Memory

This is where EMDR becomes important.

Sometimes the inner critic is not just a thinking pattern. It is linked to specific memories. Moments where you were shamed. Corrected harshly. Ignored. Compared. Dismissed.

Your brain made sense of those experiences by forming conclusions like:

“I am not good enough.”“I always mess things up.”“I have to be perfect.”

Over time, those conclusions can feel like facts.

In EMDR, we do not argue with the critic. We go back to the experiences that created the belief in the first place. When those memories are processed, something shifts.

The emotional charge decreases.The belief softens.The nervous system no longer reacts as if the past is happening again. And when the underlying memory shifts, the Manager does not have to work so hard.

It is like lowering the water level instead of constantly trying to mop the floor.

5. What Happens in Your Body When It Speaks

Do you tense?

Does your stomach drop?

Does your chest tighten?

Does your mind race?

The inner critic is not just cognitive. It is embodied.

If your body reacts as if danger is present, that tells me this part is tied to real lived experience.

EMDR helps the brain reprocess those experiences so they move from feeling present and threatening to feeling complete and in the past.

When that happens, your system can respond instead of react.

6. How You Relate to It

This might be the most important part.

Do you fuse with the critic and believe everything it says?

Do you argue with it?

Do you overwork to outrun it?

Or do you shut down when it gets loud?

In both IFS and EMDR informed work, the goal is not to eliminate parts of you. It is to build a different relationship with them.

From domination to dialogue.

From fear to curiosity.

When you can say,“I notice my inner critic is loud right now,”instead of“I am a failure,”

you are already creating space, and space is where healing begins.

What I Am Not Doing

I am not judging you.

I am not trying to silence your critic by force.

I am mapping patterns.

Tracking when the Manager shows up. What it is afraid of. What memory it might be linked to. What your nervous system does when it activates.

And I am holding the bigger picture of you, the calm, grounded Self underneath all of it.

The inner critic might be loud but it is a protector shaped by experience. Experiences can be reprocessed, beliefs can be reshaped, Protectors can learn new roles.

You are not broken, your system adapted.

And adaptation can evolve.

Joey’s Take 🐾

You are more than the loudest voice in your head.

Did I miss the ball?

Or did I strategically pause for dramatic effect?

Perspective matters.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC who works online with clients across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, and life transitions, and I’m certified in EMDR, a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and often a mix of talk therapy and practical tools. When I’m not in session, you’ll probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean, my favourite co therapist.