5 Gottman Tools That Create Real Connection

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

When couples first come to therapy, they often expect to focus mostly on “fixing problems.” While that’s part of the work, lasting change comes from learning how to build and nurture connection every day. One of the reasons I love using the Gottman Method in couples therapy is that it gives couples practical, research-backed tools that help them feel closer again.

These tools aren’t flashy. They’re not grand romantic gestures or complicated strategies. They’re simple, intentional ways of relating to each other that, when practised consistently, can transform the emotional climate of a relationship.

Here are five Gottman tools that I often share with couples to help create real connection.

1. Turning Toward Each Other

Throughout the day, partners send what Gottman calls “bids” for connection. These are the small moments when we reach out for attention, affection, or support. It might be a comment about something you saw, a gentle touch on the arm, a shared laugh, or asking for help with something simple.

When we “turn toward” these bids, we acknowledge and respond to them. When we turn away or ignore them, disconnection slowly grows. Over time, couples who consistently turn toward each other build trust, intimacy, and emotional safety.

One of the most impactful changes couples can make is to become more aware of these everyday bids and respond with warmth. It’s often the small gestures, repeated over time, that make the biggest difference.

2. Building Love Maps

Love Maps are Gottman’s way of describing how well you know your partner’s inner world. This includes their hopes, worries, daily stressors, dreams, and the things that bring them joy.

Life gets busy, and many couples find that their knowledge of each other’s inner world fades over time. Building Love Maps means intentionally staying curious about each other. This can be as simple as asking meaningful questions, checking in at the end of the day, or revisiting conversations about goals and dreams.

In therapy, I often give couples Love Map exercises to help them reconnect with each other’s emotional landscape. Knowing your partner deeply is a powerful foundation for connection.

3. Shared Rituals of Connection

Couples who thrive often have little rituals that anchor their relationship. These rituals don’t have to be elaborate. They might include a morning coffee together before the day begins, a nightly walk after dinner, a special way of saying goodbye, or a weekly date night.

These rituals send a message: “This relationship matters. We make time for us.”

When couples lose these rituals, they often feel adrift. Rebuilding them is a simple but meaningful way to strengthen connection and give your relationship a sense of rhythm and reliability.

4. Gentle Start-Ups

One of the most common patterns Gottman research has identified is that how a conversation starts often determines how it will end. When couples bring up issues harshly (with criticism, blame, or contempt), the conversation tends to spiral quickly.

A gentle start-up is about expressing needs and feelings without attacking. It might sound like, “I felt overwhelmed when the kitchen was left messy after dinner. Could we talk about a better way to share clean-up?” instead of “You never help around here.”

Gentle start-ups lower defensiveness and create space for problem solving. It’s not about being “soft” or avoiding real issues, it’s about setting the stage for a conversation where both people can stay engaged rather than shutting down or fighting back.

5. Repair Attempts

No couple gets it right all the time. What matters most is how you repair after a rupture. Repair attempts are the words or actions that help de-escalate tension and bring the conversation back to connection.

This might look like a well-timed apology, humour that diffuses the moment, or a simple statement like, “Can we start over?” Couples who can offer and accept repair attempts quickly are much more likely to navigate conflict successfully.

Repair attempts don’t need to be perfect. They just need to communicate care and a desire to reconnect.

Bringing It All Together

These five tools might seem small, but they’re incredibly powerful. Turning toward bids, building Love Maps, creating rituals, using gentle start-ups, and making repair attempts are the everyday building blocks of healthy relationships.

When couples learn and practise these tools, they often notice early shifts: fewer misunderstandings, more warmth, and a sense that they’re on the same team again. Over time, these small habits create a deep sense of safety and connection.

Joey’s Take 🐾

This is my friend, Ivy. She’s chill. I’m...not so much, at least not when we're together, on account of how I just can't contain my excitement! Her human and mine are besties, so we had a playdate. I may have overdone the enthusiasm, as you can tell from her face. I really tried to use gentle startups, but I just get so gosh darn excited to have a doggy friend. Good thing I know about repair attempts.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC who works online with clients across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, and life transitions, and I’m certified in EMDR, a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past. I’m also Level 3 Practicum trained in the Gottman Method for Couples Therapy. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and often a mix of talk therapy and practical tools. When I’m not in session, you’ll probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean (my favourite co-therapist).