Why Fighting Doesn’t Mean You’re Incompatible as a Couple

LPerry
Oct 16
5 min read

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

Two hands holding puzzle-like shapes that almost fit together, symbolizing couples conflict and connection. — Healthy conflict in relationships is about finding how the pieces fit, not proving compatibility.

Ever had an argument with your partner that spiralled into “maybe we are just not compatible” territory? It might have started with something small, but the fear underneath was big. Many couples believe that conflict is a sign something is wrong with the relationship. The truth is, fighting does not necessarily mean incompatibility. It means you are two human beings trying to share a life together.

Where This Myth Comes From

From romantic movies to Instagram highlight reels, we are bombarded with images of couples who never fight. They always seem in sync, finishing each other’s sentences, agreeing on everything, and gazing across the table without a hint of tension.

When that is the standard, it is no wonder people panic when real-life arguments break out. If we never see examples of healthy conflict, we assume that disagreement means a relationship is broken.

The problem is that this belief creates unnecessary fear and shame. The reality is that conflict is normal, healthy, and sometimes even helpful.

Why Healthy Conflict In Relationships Is Important

Decades of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman shows that it is not whether couples fight that determines long-term success. It is how they fight. Every couple has conflict, even the happiest ones.

The difference is that successful couples approach arguments in ways that protect the relationship. This is what defines healthy conflict in relationships; learning to stay connected, even when you disagree. They ask questions instead of shutting down. They repair when things get messy. They use conflict as a way to understand each other more deeply.

The Gottmans also emphasize that avoiding conflict is not a solution. When you avoid conflict, you also avoid the opportunity for closeness. Disagreements, handled with care, can become moments of deeper connection and intimacy. By leaning in rather than shutting down, couples can transform conflict into growth.

Think of conflict like waves in the ocean. You cannot stop them from coming, but you can learn to ride them without being pulled under.

Common Sources of Conflict

Two coffee cups side by side on a table, symbolizing connection and communication in relationships. — Healthy conflict in couples' therapy is about finding common ground and connection, even in everyday moments.

Arguments can erupt over big topics like money, parenting, or intimacy. They can also pop up around small things like whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under, or if the thermostat should be set at 20 or 22.

One of the examples I often share with couples is the dishwasher. If you are fighting about how to load the dishwasher, you are probably not really fighting about how to load the dishwasher. It is rarely about the rack placement or the angle of the plates. What sits underneath is usually the need to feel respected, to feel that your way of doing things matters, or to feel like you are not carrying the household load alone.

Once you understand the need beneath the disagreement, you can shift from arguing about chores to actually connecting with each other.

Signs of Unhealthy Conflict

Arguments are normal, but some behaviours can become destructive if they take over. The Gottmans call these destructive behaviours the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

Criticism – Attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing the behaviour.
Defensiveness – Dodging responsibility or counterattacking.
Contempt – Using sarcasm, eye-rolling, or mockery.
Stonewalling – Shutting down, going silent, or walking away without repair.

If these show up often, they can wear down connection over time. The good news is that there are antidotes. Criticism can be replaced with gentle start-ups. Defensiveness can give way to taking responsibility. Contempt can shift into appreciation. Stonewalling can turn into taking a short break and then re-engaging.

How to Fight Fair (Yes, It Is Possible)

Healthy conflict is not about avoiding arguments. It is about learning how to handle them well. Here are a few tools that work:

Start softly: Instead of, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel hurt when I am not heard. Can we slow down?”
Take breaks: If things are getting too heated, it is okay to pause. Step away, calm down, and come back when you are ready.
Listen to understand: Treat your partner like your teammate, not your opponent. Listen to learn, not to win.
Repair quickly: A well-timed joke, a hand on your partner’s arm, or a genuine “I am sorry” can reset the tone.
Look beneath the surface: Remember, it is rarely about the frying pan, the thermostat, or the dishwasher. It is about what those things represent.

Reframing Conflict

What if conflict is not a red flag but an opportunity? Every disagreement is a chance to learn more about each other’s inner world. It is a way of saying, “I care enough about this relationship to fight for what matters to me.”

When handled with care, conflict can make your bond stronger. Think of it as resistance training for your relationship. A little struggle, managed well, builds strength.

When to Seek Support

Some arguments repeat so often that you feel stuck. That is when couples therapy can make a difference. Therapy provides tools, structure, and a safe space to practice new ways of handling conflict.

Coming to therapy does not mean your relationship is failing. It means you care enough to invest in making it better.

Two winding footpaths merging into one through a forest, suggesting connection after conflict. — Conflict can bring couples closer. Two paths merging into one illustrates how challenges can become pathways to unity.

Bottom Line

Fighting does not mean you are incompatible. It means you are in a real relationship with two unique people who care enough to try. Every couple argues. What matters is how you move through those moments together. With the right tools, conflict can become a pathway to deeper connection.

So next time you find yourself in a heated debate about dishwasher placement, take a breath. This is not evidence that you are not compatible. It is proof that you are building something real, imperfect, and worth growing.

Joey’s Take 🐾

Joey’s take on conflict: Even the best pack-mates have a growl or two. What matters is that you circle back, sniff it out, and keep walking together.

A brown and white Australian Shepherd standing on green turf with a playful, slightly cheeky expression, mid-movement, as if caught in a moment of playful tension. — Joey reminding us that even the best pack-mates have a growl or two. What matters is that you circle back, sniff it out, and keep walking together.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC. I have completed Level 3 Practicum training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and I use the Gottman Method in my work with couples. I help support couples online across Canada who want to strengthen their communication, manage conflict, and feel more connected. You do not need to be in crisis to benefit. Many couples I see are simply looking to make a good relationship even better. My style is down-to-earth, practical, and focused on giving you tools you can actually use outside of therapy.