Healing Without Forgiveness: What Healing Can Really Look Like
- LPerry
- 8 minutes ago
- 4 min read
Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC
When most people picture healing, they imagine a movie moment. Someone forgives the person who hurt them, the music swells, the credits roll, and suddenly everything feels lighter.
Real life is not nearly that tidy. Healing can include forgiveness, but it does not have to. Some people find peace through it, others find peace without it, and both are perfectly valid.
Let’s dig into what healing can really look like when forgiveness is not part of the picture, and why therapy can be the place where you explore what feels right for you.
The Myth of “I Have to Forgive”
One of the most common myths about healing is that you cannot truly move forward until you have forgiven the person or situation that caused harm. This idea is woven into movies, self-help books, and sometimes even cultural or religious messaging.
But here is the truth: forgiveness is a personal choice, not a requirement. It is not a box to check off before you can feel better.
In therapy, I often remind clients that the goal is their well-being, not anyone else’s. If forgiving someone feels healing, then it can be a powerful step. But if it feels forced or unsafe, then it is not the right path right now, and that is okay.
What Healing Without Forgiveness Can Look Like
Healing is about shifting how the hurt lives inside you, not about excusing harmful behaviour. Here are a few ways it can show up:
Relief from triggers. You may notice that a memory, place, or smell that once sent you into a spiral now lands with less intensity.
Reclaiming your sense of self. You start to remember who you are outside of the hurt. You laugh again, dream again, and make choices that reflect your values rather than your pain.
Peace in your body. The tension in your shoulders softens, your jaw unclenches, and sleep comes easier.
Redefining relationships. Healing may mean building firmer boundaries, choosing distance, or finding connection in new, healthier places.
Hope. Not the sunshine-and-rainbows kind, but a steady, quiet belief that things can feel different than they do right now.
None of this requires forgiving the person who hurt you. It requires giving yourself space and tools to process, release, and grow.
The Role of Therapy
Therapy is not about convincing you to forgive or pushing you toward a version of healing that does not fit. Instead, it is a space to explore what you need most.
For some, EMDR helps their brain finally re-file the “stuck” memories so they no longer flood the present. For others, couples therapy creates a safe space to build new patterns of connection.
Sometimes therapy is simply a place to tell your story out loud to someone who will not rush you or judge you.
The goal is not forgiveness. The goal is relief, clarity, and freedom.
Why We Often Struggle With Letting Go
Even when forgiveness is not on the table, people still struggle with letting go of pain. That is because our nervous system is designed to protect us. When something hurts deeply, our body and brain hold onto it as if to say, “Never again.”
It is protective, but it can also become exhausting. Carrying anger or resentment can feel like dragging an anchor across the ocean floor. Therapy helps you notice when that anchor is weighing you down and gives you the tools to decide whether you want to pull it up or let it rest.
Choosing What Healing Means to You
Healing is deeply personal. For some, it includes forgiveness. For others, it does not. And for many, it changes over time. What feels impossible today may feel different years from now.
The most important thing is remembering that healing belongs to you. It does not belong to the person who caused the pain. It does not belong to cultural narratives about “closure.” It belongs to your heart, your body, and your life.
A Bit of Humour in the Process
Healing is serious work, but sometimes laughter sneaks in. I once had a client tell me that therapy felt like cleaning out the fridge. At first, you are terrified of what you might find in the back corner, but once you take it out, the whole fridge feels lighter and fresher.
That is often how healing works. You do not have to love the expired yogurt you find, and you certainly do not have to forgive it. You just get to throw it out and move forward.
Closing Thoughts
Healing is not a one-size-fits-all process. Forgiveness can be part of it, but it does not have to be. Whether you choose to forgive or not, you are not stuck. With the right support, you can move toward peace, strength, and a life that feels more like your own.
Therapy is not about telling you what healing should look like. It is about walking alongside you while you find your own path.
Joey’s Take 🐾
Joey would like you to know that he has no strong opinions about forgiveness, but he does forgive me every time I forget to refill his treat jar. He also believes that healing looks a lot like a nap in a shady spot in the yard. In Joey’s world, peace and belly rubs are a package deal.
About Lianne
I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC who works online with clients across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, and life transitions, and I’m certified in EMDR, a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and often a mix of talk therapy and practical tools. When I’m not in session, you’ll probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean (my favourite co-therapist).