Understanding the Window of Tolerance in Trauma Healing

Some days the waves feel steady. Other days, they crash and pull. Healing is learning how to stay afloat through both.

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

When life feels too much or not enough

Some days you can handle traffic, tough conversations, and a forgotten lunch all in one go. Other days, one small thing, like spilling coffee on your shirt, makes you want to crawl under a blanket and stay there. That difference isn’t about strength or willpower. It’s about your window of tolerance.

This “window” is the range where your nervous system feels safe enough to function. Inside it, you can think clearly, connect with others, and respond instead of react. When you’re outside that window, life feels too big or too small. You might notice yourself snapping at people, shutting down, zoning out, or feeling like you’re watching yourself from a distance.

The good news is that this window isn’t fixed. It can grow and change. The goal in therapy isn’t to never leave it, but to know when you’re drifting toward the edge and find your way back with compassion instead of shame.

Light shifting through the window, a quiet reminder that clarity often returns after the storm.

The three zones of your nervous system

I often describe the nervous system like the ocean.

• When the water is calm and steady, you’re in your window. You can ride the waves, adjust your sails, and still feel connected to yourself.

• When the waves start crashing and everything feels intense, that’s hyper-arousal. Your heart races, your breathing quickens, your thoughts speed up. You might feel anxious, restless, or even irritable.

• When the water goes flat and still, that’s hypo-arousal. You might feel heavy, detached, tired, or numb. It’s your body’s way of saying, “We can’t keep swimming, we need to float.”

None of these states is bad. They’re all protective. But when we get stuck in one of them for too long, life starts to feel smaller and harder to manage.

Why trauma can shrink the window

When something overwhelming happens, your body learns to stay ready. Even when life becomes safe again, the nervous system doesn’t always get the memo. It’s like a smoke detector that goes off every time you make toast.

Your body is designed to keep you safe, so it will always err on the side of caution. The problem is that after trauma, the system can start confusing ordinary stress with danger. That’s why you might feel tense during a harmless conversation, or exhausted after a simple errand.

This is not weakness. It’s physiology. Your nervous system is just doing its job a little too well.

Therapy helps it learn that not every sound, tone, or situation needs a full alarm.

How therapy helps widen the window

Therapy gently teaches your body and mind to stay in that window longer and to come back to it more easily when you’ve left.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps your brain refile memories that are still stuck in the “threat” folder, so you can move forward without feeling like you’re reliving the past. It’s like finally closing all those open tabs in your mind that keep draining your energy.

IFS (Internal Family Systems) helps you understand the parts of you that get triggered or go numb. It helps you connect with them from a place of curiosity instead of frustration. Over time, those parts start to trust that they don’t have to take over anymore.

Both approaches build regulation from the inside out. The goal isn’t to never get upset again. It’s to be able to return to calm more easily when life inevitably throws a wave your way.

Signs your window is getting wider

Healing rarely feels like fireworks. It often feels like tiny moments of difference that you might not notice at first.

Maybe you realize you can stay in a tough conversation a few minutes longer before shutting down. Maybe you can pause and take a breath instead of reacting right away. Maybe you notice you’re able to cry without feeling like you’ll fall apart.

These are quiet victories, but they’re powerful. Each one means your system is starting to trust that it can handle more. That’s the nervous system’s version of strength, not powering through, but learning how to stay steady when things get wobbly.

Building safety every day

Your nervous system doesn’t heal in a hurry. But it does respond to consistency. Think of it like tending a garden. You don’t flood it once and expect it to thrive. You water it a little, often.

Simple, repeated practices send strong messages of safety:

• Slow, full breaths that lengthen your exhale.

• Grounding yourself by naming five things you can see.

• Noticing the temperature of your tea before you sip it.

• Spending a few minutes outside, letting your body match the rhythm of nature.

• Petting your dog and noticing the rise and fall of their breath.

The goal isn’t to force yourself to calm down. It’s to offer your body reminders that it already knows how. Over time, those moments add up to a wider, sturdier window, one that can hold more of life without tipping over.

A gentle reminder

If your window feels small right now, that’s okay. It’s not a flaw, it’s information. It tells you how much your body has been through and how hard it’s worked to keep you safe. Healing doesn’t mean you never leave your window again. It means you stop blaming yourself when you do.

You start to notice the signs earlier. You learn what helps you come back. And eventually, you realize you’re spending more time in that middle zone — not because life has become easier, but because your system has learned you can handle it.

That’s resilience. Quiet, steady, earned resilience.

Joey’s Take 🐾

This was me when I was a baby. My human says we all have a window of tolerance, but I took that very seriously. I’d stand at mine for ages, watching everything that moved. Squirrels? No. The mail carrier? Suspicious. Another dog walking by? Completely unacceptable. My window got pretty small back then. These days, it’s a little wider. I still like to keep watch, but I also know when it’s time to curl up and rest. Progress, right?

Baby Joey keeping watch - his very first lesson in window work.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC who works online with clients across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, and life transitions, and I’m certified in EMDR, a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and focused on helping you feel more like yourself again — calm, clear, and connected. When I’m not in session, you’ll probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean, my favourite co-therapist.