Holiday Stress and Your Relationship, How to Stay Connected When Everything Feels Chaotic
- LPerry
- 1 day ago
- 4 min read
Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC
The holidays can bring out the best and the hardest parts of relationships. Even strong, connected couples often find themselves arguing more, feeling misunderstood, or feeling like they are constantly trying to catch up with one another. December has a way of placing every stress point under a magnifying glass.
If you have noticed more tension, less patience, or a sense of drifting apart during the holiday season, nothing is wrong with your relationship. You are not failing. You are experiencing what many couples experience when life gets busy, noisy, and emotionally demanding.
Holiday stress is not a sign that you are incompatible. It is a sign that you are human.
Why Couples Struggle More During the Holidays
1. Different expectations that were never talked about
One person imagines a calm, quiet holiday. The other imagines hosting, visiting everyone, or squeezing in as many traditions as possible. Often, nobody says these expectations out loud. You just feel the disappointment or irritation when the other person does not magically know what you were hoping for.
2. Family of origin differences
Each partner comes from a different family system and may carry different traditions, stress points, or triggers. One partner might love big gatherings. The other might feel overwhelmed or emotionally flooded within minutes. These differences do not mean you are a mismatch. They just mean you are two humans with two histories.
3. Decision fatigue
Where to go. What to bring. Who to see. How long to stay. How much to spend. What to cook. Decision after decision. When couples are tired, the Four Horsemen show up more easily, especially criticism and defensiveness.
4. Less connection and more busyness
Holiday weeks fill up quickly. Most couples spend December communicating logistics instead of connecting emotionally. This leaves each person feeling a little more alone, even if you are technically together.
5. Emotional overload
Even if nothing is “wrong,” December is stimulating. Family dynamics, financial pressure, travel, expectations, and social events can push you out of your window of tolerance. When your nervous system is in survival mode, you have less patience and fewer resources for connection.
How to Stay Connected as a Couple During the Holidays
These are gentle, realistic tools that fit your Gottman approach and support couples who want to feel closer, calmer, and more like a team.
1. Start with a gentle holiday check in
Set aside ten minutes and ask each other:
What do you truly need this holiday season
What parts feel exciting
What parts feel stressful
What is one thing you want to protect
What is one thing you are willing to let go of
This conversation alone reduces tension because it turns assumptions into shared understanding.
2. Use gentle start ups for holiday conversations
Instead of “You never help with anything,” try “I feel overwhelmed and I need some support with the weekend plans.”
Gentle start ups prevent defensiveness and set the tone for teamwork.
3. Create a shared holiday plan
This is not about creating the perfect calendar. It is about agreeing on:
what matters most
what does not need to happen
how to balance both families
how to protect downtime
how to support each other’s stress points
A simple shared plan reduces decision fatigue and makes you feel like partners again.
4. Make a small daily connection ritual
It can be as simple as:
a ten minute walk
a cup of tea together
sitting beside each other before bed
asking one gentle question
sharing one thing you appreciated that day
The goal is not long, deep talks. It is small, steady moments of turning toward each other.
5. Support each other’s triggers with kindness
If one partner feels overwhelmed after ten minutes at a family event, that is not them “being dramatic.” It is their nervous system reacting.
Instead of pushing them to keep going, ask:
“What do you need right now”
“Do you want a break”
“How can I support you”
Small moments of attunement help your partner feel safe, seen, and cared for.
6. Protect your time as a couple
Choose one evening or one morning where it is just the two of you. No obligations. No rushing. No trying to squeeze something in. This protects the heart of your relationship while the rest of the world feels busy.
What Healthy Couples Understand About the Holidays
Healthy couples do not avoid conflict. They repair early. They stay curious. They see each other’s stress for what it is instead of taking it personally.
Healthy couples know:
December is overwhelming for almost everyone
conflict during holidays is common
you are allowed to set boundaries
you do not have to match anyone else’s traditions
connection does not need to be elaborate
Most of all, healthy couples remember that they are on the same team.
You Are Allowed to Have a Realistic Holiday
You do not need to create a magical season. You do not need to spend every moment together. You do not need to perform or pretend or push through.
You are allowed to choose what works for your relationship. You are allowed to slow down. You are allowed to protect your peace.
Most couples do better when they take the pressure off and give themselves permission to be human.
Joey’s Take 🐾🐾
This is my friend, Lucy. She is small but mighty. I am trying very hard to give her space and use my gentle skills, even though I really want to play. Relationships take work. That is all.
About Lianne
I am Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in British Columbia who works online with couples across Canada. I have completed Level 3 Practicum training in the Gottman Method and I use this approach to help couples strengthen communication, manage conflict in healthier ways, and feel more connected again. My work is practical, warm, and focused on giving couples tools they can actually use outside of therapy. When I am not in session, you will usually find me walking by the ocean or hanging out with my Australian Shepherd, Joey, who is convinced he is the real relationship expert.
