Valentine’s Day Without the Pressure to Get It “Right”

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

Connection does not have to be loud or perfect to be meaningful.

Valentine’s Day comes with a lot of expectations.

Be romantic.Say the right thing. Show up perfectly. Prove that your relationship is solid.

For many couples, this pressure does the opposite of what it intends. Instead of creating closeness, it creates tension. Instead of feeling connected, partners feel evaluated.

If Valentine’s Day has ever felt more stressful than meaningful, you’re not alone.

Why Valentine’s Day can feel loaded for couples

Valentine’s Day shines a spotlight on relationships. When things feel good, that spotlight can feel affirming. When things feel strained, it can feel exposing.

Small unresolved issues suddenly feel bigger. Differences in how you express love become more noticeable. One partner may want connection and effort, while the other feels overwhelmed or unsure what’s expected.

This often leads to silent assumptions. One person is waiting to feel chosen. The other is hoping not to disappoint. Both are trying, but neither feels particularly safe.

None of this means your relationship is failing. It means Valentine’s Day amplifies what is already there.

The myth of the perfect romantic moment

One of the biggest myths around Valentine’s Day is that closeness comes from a single, perfectly executed moment.

A flawless dinner. The right gift. A well timed expression of love.

In reality, relationships are built through many small moments over time. Shared routines. Inside jokes. Repair after conflict. Choosing each other again after a hard day.

When a single day is asked to carry the emotional weight of a relationship, disappointment is almost inevitable. Not because partners do not care, but because no moment can hold that much meaning on its own.

When partners have different needs around the day

It is very common for partners to experience Valentine’s Day differently.

One partner may see it as an important opportunity to feel prioritized or reassured. The other may experience it as pressure, performance, or uncertainty about what is expected.

These differences often come from how each person learned to give and receive love. Past relationships. Family experiences. Cultural messages about romance.

Neither approach is wrong. The challenge comes when these differences are assumed rather than discussed.

Instead of guessing what your partner needs, it can be more connecting to name your hopes gently. What would help you feel close this week? What feels supportive rather than stressful?

Often, these conversations themselves create more closeness than the day ever could.

Connection does not have to look romantic

Valentine’s Day tends to define connection very narrowly.

Flowers. Cards. Grand gestures. Romance on display.

But many couples feel most connected through quieter moments. Sitting together at the end of the day. Sharing a laugh in the middle of stress. Feeling understood during a hard conversation.

Connection is not about impressing each other. It is about responsiveness.

Feeling seen, heard, and considered matters far more than getting the script right.

A more grounded way to approach Valentine’s Day

Rather than asking, “How do we make this special?” it can be more helpful to ask, “How do we want to feel?”

Do you want more ease? More closeness? More honesty? Less pressure?

From there, you can choose something that supports that feeling, even if it looks simple or unconventional.

That might mean lowering expectations. It might mean planning something small. It might mean agreeing that this year is about connection, not performance.

There is no correct way to do Valentine’s Day.

What couples therapy often reveals around this time

In couples therapy, Valentine’s Day often highlights deeper patterns.

Who initiates connection.Who worries about disappointing the other. Who pulls away when expectations feel high. Who longs to feel chosen without asking.

These patterns are not flaws. They are learned strategies shaped by past experiences and attachment history.

When couples begin to understand these patterns with compassion, Valentine’s Day stops being a test and becomes an opportunity. Not to prove love, but to practice understanding.

Love is built in how you respond, not how you perform

What strengthens relationships is not getting everything right. It is how you respond when things feel off.

Can you notice when your partner is reaching out, even imperfectly? Can you respond with curiosity instead of defensiveness? Can you repair when something lands wrong?

These moments matter far more than any single card, gift, or plan.

Valentine’s Day can be one place to practice this kind of responsiveness, but the real work happens in the ordinary days that follow.

If Valentine’s Day has been hard before

If this day has been associated with disappointment, distance, or conflict in the past, it makes sense to approach it carefully.

You do not need to force positivity. You do not need to recreate past versions of the day. You can choose something new.

Sometimes the most loving thing couples can do is take the pressure off and meet each other where they actually are.

That is not giving up. That is choosing realism and care.

Joey’s Take 🐾🐾

I did not prepare for this moment. I am muddy, damp, and very enthusiastic.

And yet, I still ran straight toward connection.

Highly recommend this approach.

Showing up as you are is often the most connecting thing you can do.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC who works online with couples across Canada. I’ve completed Level 3 Practicum training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy and help couples strengthen communication, manage conflict, and feel more connected. My approach is practical, collaborative, and focused on giving you tools you can actually use outside of therapy. When I’m not in session, you’ll usually find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean, my favourite co therapist.