Other People Have It Worse, So I Should Just Get Over It: Why Your Feelings Still Matter

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

Every grain of sand matters, just like every feeling matters, even if it seems small compared to someone else's.

We have all said it at some point. Maybe not out loud, but in that private, quiet voice in our head: Other people have it worse, so I should just get over it.

It sounds humble. It sounds like perspective. It sounds like we are trying to be grateful for what we have. But underneath, that little sentence often does more harm than good. It silences pain, minimizes struggle, and convinces us that what we are feeling does not matter.

The truth is, pain is not a competition. Healing does not require comparing your story to someone else’s. And telling yourself you should “just get over it” usually keeps you stuck longer, not less.

Why We Compare Our Struggles

Our brains love comparison. It is one of the quickest ways we make sense of the world. Who is taller, who is faster, who is more successful, who has it easier. This instinct is not all bad.

Sometimes comparing helps us appreciate what we have or motivates us to work toward something we want.

But when it comes to emotional pain, comparison almost always backfires. Imagine breaking your arm, but telling yourself it is silly to hurt because someone else broke both legs. Does that make your arm any less broken? Of course not. It still needs care, attention, and time to heal.

When clients tell me, “I know other people have been through way worse, so I feel guilty for struggling,” what I hear is a person who has learned to dismiss their own needs. Often, that habit started long ago. Maybe as a child you were told to “stop crying, it’s not a big deal.” Maybe you saw someone else in your family with bigger problems and learned to stay quiet. Over time, minimizing your pain became second nature.

The Hidden Cost of “Just Get Over It”

On the surface, brushing things off can look like resilience. People might even praise you for being strong or for “handling it so well.” But here’s the thing: pretending you are fine is not the same as being fine.

Unprocessed experiences do not simply disappear. They linger in the body and nervous system, showing up as anxiety, irritability, or exhaustion. They sneak into relationships, making it harder to trust or connect. They keep you up at night or show up in your dreams.

By telling yourself to get over it, you are actually pushing the pain deeper underground. And like any pressure building below the surface, it eventually finds a way out. Sometimes in small leaks like constant stress or snapping at loved ones, sometimes in big eruptions like panic attacks or burnout.

Gratitude Versus Minimizing

Now, let’s pause here. Because some of you are thinking, “But gratitude is important, right?” Absolutely. Gratitude can be a powerful practice. It shifts attention toward what is steady, supportive, or good in our lives.

But gratitude is not the same as minimizing. Gratitude says, “I can appreciate what I have and still acknowledge where I am hurting.” Minimizing says, “Because I have good things, I am not allowed to hurt.”

Gratitude heals when it is honest. Minimizing harms when it shuts down truth. You can be grateful for a roof over your head and still acknowledge the loneliness of living alone. You can be grateful for surviving a car accident and still admit the trauma of replaying it in your mind. Both are true. Both matter.

Something I often remind my clients is that we can feel opposite emotions at the same time. You can feel sad that someone has died and at the same time grateful they are no longer in pain. You can feel excited to start a new career while also feeling scared of the unknown. Our brains and hearts are complex enough to hold these different truths together. Making space for that paradox is part of healing.

Where This Belief Comes From

This “other people have it worse” belief often grows out of good intentions. We do not want to be seen as dramatic. We want to stay humble. We want to avoid burdening others. In some families or cultures, putting your needs aside is even praised as a sign of strength.

But here’s the problem: constantly putting your pain on the back burner does not make you stronger. It makes you more isolated. It teaches you that your needs are less important than everyone else’s, which is a dangerous story to carry into adulthood.

In therapy, we often explore how these early messages shape our current patterns. The same part of you that once thought “I should not make a fuss” may now be the part whispering “I should just get over it” every time life gets heavy. Recognizing where that voice comes from is the first step in quieting it.

Giving Yourself Permission to Feel

Healing starts with permission. Permission to feel what you feel without ranking it on some imaginary scale of suffering. Permission to notice the ache, the fear, or the disappointment and let it be real.

Here are a few gentle reminders to keep in your back pocket when that old voice pipes up:

• Your pain is valid. It matters because it is yours.

• There is no competition. Someone else’s suffering does not cancel out your own.

• Small things add up. A series of “little” stresses or hurts can weigh just as heavily as one big event.

• You do not need to earn support. Struggling is reason enough to reach out.

Think of it this way: the ocean does not ask whether a wave is big enough to crash on shore. Every wave counts. Every ripple is part of the tide. Your feelings are the same.

How Therapy Can Help

If you have spent years dismissing your struggles, it can feel uncomfortable to begin voicing them. Therapy offers a safe place to practise. To say the words out loud without fear of judgement. To experiment with being cared for, maybe in ways you have not experienced before.

Approaches like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can help process the weight of experiences that were left unfinished in the brain. Instead of pushing them down, we create space to move them through.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is another approach that can be especially helpful here. IFS works with the different “parts” of you, including the part that says, “Other people have it worse,” and the part that is quietly hurting underneath. Instead of forcing one to disappear, therapy allows both parts to be heard and understood. Over time, the critical voice softens, and the hurting part finally gets the care it needs.

For couples, learning to validate each other’s pain without comparison can be a turning point. Instead of “you should not be upset because my day was worse,” it becomes, “I see that you are hurting, and my hurt matters too.” This shift builds connection instead of competition.

A Closing Thought

The next time you hear that familiar thought, Other people have it worse, so I should just get over it, pause. Take a breath. Notice that you are already trying to dismiss yourself. And gently remind yourself: pain is not a contest. Your experience counts.

Healing begins when we stop minimizing and start listening. You deserve that.

Joey’s Take

When I get burrs stuck in my fur, my human never tells me to “just get over it.” She helps me gently untangle them, even if it takes time. Healing works the same way. You can’t rush it or snap your paws and make it disappear. Sometimes it takes patience, care, and a little help from someone who knows how to work through the knots.

Joey, my ever-faithful co-therapist, reminding us that our needs matter, no comparisons required.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC who works online with clients across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, and life transitions, and I’m certified in EMDR, a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and often a mix of talk therapy and practical tools. When I’m not in session, you’ll probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean (my favourite co-therapist).