The Myth That Strong People Should Handle Life Alone

Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC

There is a story many of us carry that goes something like this: If I was really strong, I would not need help. Strong people figure things out alone. Strong people don’t ask for support.

It sounds noble. It sounds like independence. It even sounds a little like resilience. But here’s the truth: real strength has nothing to do with going it alone. In fact, one of the strongest things you can do is reach out, connect, and allow yourself to be supported.

The Myth of Solo Strength

From a young age, many of us are taught that independence is the goal. “Stand on your own two feet.” “Don’t rely on anyone else.” “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.” The message is clear: needing others equals weakness.

For some people, this message is reinforced by painful experiences. Maybe you grew up in a family where help was not available, or where your needs were dismissed. Maybe you were praised for being the “easy child” who never caused trouble, or the teenager who kept it all together. Over time, asking for support might have come to feel unsafe, shameful, or pointless.

But here is the reality: humans are wired for connection. Our nervous systems are literally built to co-regulate with others. That means our brains and bodies calm down more easily in the presence of safe, supportive people. Independence has its place, of course, but isolation is not strength. It is survival mode.

The Cost of Carrying It All Alone

On the outside, the “strong on my own” approach can look impressive. People may even admire you for always coping, always showing up, always keeping it together. But inside, the cost can be heavy.

When you carry everything yourself, stress has nowhere to go. It builds quietly, turning into anxiety, irritability, exhaustion, or burnout. Relationships often suffer too, because if you never let people in, intimacy and trust struggle to grow.

I often tell clients that holding pain in isolation is like trying to carry a backpack filled with rocks up a mountain. Sure, you might be able to keep climbing for a while, but the weight gets heavier with every step. What if instead, you let someone walk beside you and share the load? What if you did not have to make the climb alone?

What Real Strength Looks Like

True strength is not about never needing anyone. True strength is about knowing your limits and honouring them. It is about letting yourself be human, not superhuman.

Real strength looks like:

• Asking for support before things reach a breaking point.

• Allowing yourself to feel sadness, fear, or grief without judging those emotions as weak.

• Letting others in instead of always putting up walls.

• Investing in healing so you can move forward with more freedom, not more armour.

One of my favourite reminders for clients is that vulnerability and strength are not opposites. They actually go hand in hand. To let yourself be seen, to risk asking for help, to trust someone with your truth — that takes courage.

True strength is not about going it alone. Connection and support help lighten the load.

Healing Happens in Connection

Therapy is often the first place where people test out this new definition of strength. For some, simply sitting across from another person and speaking honestly is a radical act.

Our nervous system responds differently in connection. When we are with someone safe and supportive, our body softens. Our breathing slows. Our thoughts begin to settle.

Healing is not just about “thinking differently” — it is about experiencing safety in real time.

Approaches like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) allow the brain to finally process old wounds that you may have been holding onto for years.

Instead of forcing yourself to power through alone, therapy helps your nervous system release that backpack of rocks so you do not have to carry it anymore.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is another approach that highlights connection — not just with others, but also within yourself. IFS helps you notice the different “parts” of you. The part that insists, “I should be able to handle this alone,” and the part that quietly longs for comfort and care. In therapy, we invite both to have a voice. And often, that strict, independent part begins to soften when it realizes you are safe now, and you no longer have to do everything on your own.

For couples, connection becomes the healing ground. Strong relationships are not built on two people managing alone in parallel. They are built on learning how to turn toward each other, share the load, and validate one another’s needs. That shift from “me against the world” to “us together” changes everything.

But What About Resilience?

Sometimes people worry that if they lean on others, they will lose their edge. They fear becoming dependent or less capable. But resilience is not about never falling down. It is about how you get back up — and often, who helps you back up.

Think about athletes. No one expects even the most elite athlete to train, perform, and recover entirely alone. They have coaches, teammates, trainers, and medical staff.

Support does not make them weaker. It allows them to go further than they ever could alone.

The same is true for emotional resilience. Support does not take away your strength. It multiplies it.

Giving Yourself Permission

If you have spent a lifetime believing you should handle things alone, reaching out can feel uncomfortable at first. That is normal. It might even feel like failure. But remind yourself: every time you allow someone in, you are not failing. You are practising a new kind of strength.

Here are a few gentle reminders you can carry with you:

• Needing support is human. It does not mean you are broken.

• Connection is part of healing. Your nervous system is wired for it.

• Courage comes in asking. Bravery is not about being bulletproof. It is about being real.

• Support grows resilience. You are stronger with care, not without it.

Imagine if the ocean tried to hold back every wave, insisting it could handle it all alone. The tide would stop moving. The life of the sea would stagnate. Instead, the ocean flows because it allows movement, connection, and release. You can, too.

A Closing Thought

Strength is not silence. It is not isolation. It is not carrying everything alone. Strength is knowing when to reach out, when to lean in, and when to allow yourself to be supported.

The story that “strong people can handle things on their own” has kept many people isolated for too long. It is time to write a new story. One where strength and connection walk side by side. One where healing is not a lonely climb but a shared journey.

Joey’s Take 🐾

If Joey, my Australian Shepherd and office assistant, had a say in this, he would probably remind us that even the most independent dog still curls up next to their human at the end of the day. If they're like him, they might also make sure a paw is touching them so they feel extra connected. Not because they cannot be alone, but because being together just feels better.

Joey, my Australian Shepherd and co-therapist, reminding us that even the strongest among us need connection and rest.

About Lianne

I’m Lianne Perry, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC who works online with clients across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, and life transitions, and I’m certified in EMDR, a powerful approach that helps people heal without having to relive every detail of the past. My sessions are grounded, collaborative, and often a mix of talk therapy and practical tools. When I’m not in session, you’ll probably find me hiking with my Aussie, Joey, or sitting by the ocean (my favourite co-therapist).