Stress-Reducing Conversations: How to Reconnect With Your Partner and Strengthen Your Emotional Bank Account
- LPerry
- Sep 17, 2019
- 3 min read
Updated: Aug 19
Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC
Ever feel like you and your partner are more like roommates than soulmates? You know, the conversations are mostly about groceries, car insurance, or who’s walking the dog… but the deeper check-ins about what’s really going on in your inner worlds have slowly disappeared.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. One of the most common concerns couples bring into therapy is the feeling of having drifted apart. You still love each other, but sometimes it feels like you’re living parallel lives.
The good news? With a little intention, you can rebuild that sense of connection — and one powerful way to do that is through something called the stress-reducing conversation.
What Is a Stress-Reducing Conversation?
According to decades of research from Drs. John and Julie Gottman, couples who protect their relationship from outside stressors tend to be stronger, happier, and more resilient. The stress-reducing conversation is a daily 20-minute ritual designed to do exactly that.
Here’s the basic idea: you and your partner take turns talking about something stressful that’s happening outside your relationship. That last part is important — this isn’t the time to bring up who left the dishes in the sink or the dreaded upcoming in-law visit. Save those for another structured conversation (what the Gottmans call a “State of the Union” meeting).
Instead, you might talk about:
A tough day at work
Stress over an upcoming project
A conflict with a friend or colleague
Something you’re nervous about in the week ahead
The point is simple: to be there for each other, as teammates, against the outside world.
How to Have a Stress-Reducing Conversation
Think of it as your relationship’s daily tune-up. Here are a few guidelines that make it powerful:
Listen before advising. Understanding comes first; solutions can come later (if they’re wanted at all).
Stay curious. Ask gentle, open-ended questions. “What’s been the hardest part of this?” or “What do you need most right now?”
Show empathy. A simple “That sounds so tough. I’d feel stressed too” goes a long way.
Take their side. You’re partners, not critics. Be on the same team.
Offer comfort. A touch, a hand squeeze, or just steady eye contact says “I’m here with you.”
Check in. Ask, “Do you feel understood?” and adjust if they don’t yet.
Ask permission before giving advice. Sometimes we just want to vent, not fix.
Finally, wrap up with this powerful question:👉 “What can I do to support you in this?”
Why It Matters: Deposits in Your Emotional Bank Account
The Gottmans use the metaphor of an emotional bank account. Every positive interaction is a deposit. Every criticism, cold shoulder, or harsh word? That’s a withdrawal.
Research shows that for a relationship to stay strong, you need about five deposits for every one withdrawal. Stress-reducing conversations are a simple, consistent way to keep your account in the positive — which means more connection, more closeness, and more resilience when life gets tough.
Try It Tonight
Set aside 20 minutes at the end of the day. Put the phones away, sit down with each other, and try your first stress-reducing conversation. You might be surprised at how quickly you start to feel reconnected.
And if you want to learn more about the research behind this practice, check out the Gottman Method — it’s the evidence-based approach I use with couples in my practice.
✨ Bottom line: Stress-reducing conversations aren’t about fixing each other’s problems — they’re about showing up, listening, and being teammates in the sometimes messy, always human world we live in. Small deposits, over time, make a big difference.
About Lianne
I’m Lianne, a therapist specializing in Gottman Method Couples’ Therapy. I work with couples online across Canada who want to strengthen their communication, manage conflict, and feel more connected. You don’t need to be in crisis to benefit — many couples I see are simply looking to make a good relationship even better. My style is down-to-earth, practical, and focused on giving you tools you can actually use outside of therapy.