Why Do I Keep Attracting the Wrong Relationships?
- LPerry
- Sep 14
- 6 min read
Lianne Perry, MA, MSc., RCC
You know that moment when you’re sitting across from someone new: charming, funny, maybe even a little exciting, and you think, This time it’s different? Fast forward a few months, and you’re staring at the ceiling wondering: How did I end up here again? Same story, just a different person.
If that feels a little too familiar, you’re not alone. Many of us find ourselves in the same type of relationship over and over again. At first glance, it might look new. But as I once heard Oprah Winfrey say:
“Are you the kind of person who says, ‘I’m never going to let that happen again’? Or does the lesson come back wearing a different pair of pants?”
Ouch. Sometimes it really does feel like the universe has an endless closet of those pants.
But here’s the thing: it’s not about you being “broken” or doomed to bad relationships. It’s about understanding the hidden forces that pull us toward what feels familiar, even when familiar isn’t healthy.
The Invisible Pull of Familiarity
Our brains love what feels predictable. Even if it’s painful, predictable can feel safer than the unknown. If you grew up around criticism, chaos, or inconsistency, your nervous system may have learned to treat that as “normal.” So when you meet someone who gives off the same vibe, even subtly, your system lights up with recognition.
It’s like your inner autopilot saying, Ah, yes. I know this terrain. Let’s go there.
Of course, that terrain might lead straight into another round of heartbreak or frustration. But because it feels familiar, your body mistakes it for safe.
Past Experiences Shape Present Choices
Think of your earliest relationships as a kind of training ground. They teach you:
what love looks like,
how conflict is handled (or avoided),
and what you have to do to feel accepted or safe.
These early “templates” stick with us, quietly influencing how we show up in adult relationships. Sometimes they whisper things like: I have to work hard to be loved. Or, If I set boundaries, people will leave me.
None of this happens on purpose. It’s not that you’re choosing toxic partners. It’s that your nervous system is wired to recognize what it already knows, even if what it knows isn’t good for you.
When Your Parts Are Driving the Car
Here’s where Internal Family Systems (IFS) comes in handy. Imagine your life as a car. You, your true, grounded Self, are meant to be the driver. But inside that car are all your different parts: child parts, protective parts, wounded parts, even parts carrying old beliefs like I’m not worthy or I have to fix people to be loved.
Now, when those younger or wounded parts grab the steering wheel, they might drive you straight into another relationship that mirrors old pain. Not because they’re trying to hurt you, but because they think they’re keeping you safe.
The goal of therapy isn’t to kick those parts out of the car. It’s to heal them, help them relax, and gently move them back into the passenger seat so you, your calm, wise Self, can stay behind the wheel.
Self-Beliefs and Self-Esteem
Another big piece? How you see yourself. If deep down you believe things like I don’t deserve better or This is the best I can get, you may settle for relationships that reflect those beliefs.
It’s not about a lack of intelligence, you can be smart, capable, and self-aware, and still fall into these patterns. Because when those beliefs live in your body, they can be louder than logic.
That’s why healing isn’t just about “thinking differently.” It’s about shifting the way your whole system understands what love and safety actually feel like.
The Cycle of Repetition (and How to Break It)
Without awareness, the cycle repeats: same dynamics, different person. But with awareness, and often with the support of therapy, you can start to:
Spot red flags sooner (like love bombing or inconsistent behaviour).
Notice your triggers without letting them take the wheel.
Build the confidence to say, No, thank you. That’s not for me.
Instead of realizing months or years in that you’re in the same relationship again, you can catch it earlier, maybe even before the second date. That’s what healing makes possible.
Moving Toward Healthier Relationships
So what does “different” actually look like? Healthy relationships often feel calmer, steadier, and less like a rollercoaster. You don’t feel like you’re constantly auditioning for love. You can set boundaries and still feel connected. Conflict doesn’t feel like the end of the world, it feels like something you can work through together.
It may not have the instant spark of familiarity that unhealthy dynamics sometimes bring, but that’s actually a good thing. Sometimes, peace feels boring at first, until your nervous system learns that calm is the new safe.
So, Why Therapy?
Therapy helps because it gets to the root of who’s driving your car. It helps you heal the old wounds, challenge the core beliefs, and give those protective parts some well-earned rest.
Two of the approaches I often use are Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR):
IFS helps you notice which “part” of you might be in the driver’s seat when you’re choosing or staying in relationships. It helps you connect back with your calm, wise Self so you can steer your own life, rather than letting old fears or wounds take the wheel.
EMDR helps you actually process the trauma and negative beliefs that keep pulling you toward the familiar. For example, if a part of you still believes “I’m not worthy of love” or “I have to earn affection,” EMDR can target those memories and help your brain rewire how it stores them. The experience doesn’t vanish, but the emotional charge does, which means it no longer has the same power to dictate your choices today.
Together, these approaches can free you from the pull of old pain. So when someone shows up in your life wearing a “different pair of pants” but carrying the same old lesson, you’ll be able to recognize it right away. And instead of weeks, months, or years of repeating the cycle, you’ll be able to say: “Nope, not this time. Thanks, but no thanks.”
As Maya Angelou has said:
“When you know better, you do better.”
Therapy helps you know better, and more importantly, it helps you feel better, so you can choose better.
If you’ve been asking yourself, “Why do I keep ending up in the same relationship?”, that question is already the start of something new. You’re noticing the pattern. You’re wanting something different.
Healing isn’t about never making mistakes again. It’s about being able to see more clearly, choose more wisely, and trust yourself more deeply.
And if you’d like support in that process, I’d love to walk alongside you. With tools like EMDR and IFS, we can help you take back the driver’s seat, and finally head toward relationships that feel safe, mutual, and real.
Joey's Take:
Different pants, same lesson? I know all about chasing the same ball over and over. Fun, yes, but not exactly new. The best part is when my human finally throws it in a different direction and I get to run somewhere new. Healing is like that too, breaking out of old patterns and discovering fresh paths forward.
About Lianne
I’m Lianne Perry, a therapist based in British Columbia who works with clients online across Canada. I specialize in trauma, anxiety, and life transitions. I am a certified EMDR therapist, and I also integrate Internal Family Systems into my work. My approach is grounded, collaborative, and practical, with a mix of conversation and tools you can actually use. When I am not in session, I am probably walking my Australian Shepherd, Joey, or sitting by the ocean listening to a good podcast.
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